The David Letterman TOP TEN LISTS Compiled by Brian Peek, Bob Lennard, Rick Nebel, and Sue Trowbridge Copyright (C) 1994 Worldwide Pants, Inc. Used by permission. ---> January 3, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Clinton's New Year's Resolutions ======================================== 10. Prove that Domino's violated Constitution by stopping 30-minute delivery policy 9. Finally tell Hillary about him and Janet Reno 8. See if the Neptunian Galaxy Masters have any new orders for him 7. Disband Air Force One Mile-High Club 6. Drop Gennifer Flowers from MCI "Friends and Family" plan 5. Call Perot in middle of night, yell "Que pasa, little man?" and hang up 4. Gently break news to Reagan that he doesn't live in the White House more 3. Change Socks' litter box daily 2. Change Roger's litter box daily 1. Summit with Ronald McDonald ---> January 4, 1994 <--- ======================================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At Barbara Streisand's Concert ======================================================= 10. "I hand in 14 guns and all I get is one stinkin' ticket" 9. "People...people who get $5 million per concert...are the luckiest people" 8. "Funny Girl Nachos here. Get your Funny Girl Nachos" 7. "I'm Mark Russell, and I do a version of that song called 'You Don't Send Me Gennifer Flowers'" 6. "Enjoying the show, Bubbles?" 5. "Hey -- at these prices, I can only afford to hear her every 20 years" 4. "What's Giuliani's kid doing onstage?" 3. "Look who's crying in the front row -- it's that sissy Letterman!" (Dave is shown crying in the audience, wiping his eyes with a tissue) 2. "Oh, boy -- she's putting on the fake beard! It must be time for the ZZ Top Medley!" 1. "Lookout! Parachute guy!" ---> January 5, 1994 <--- ============================================================== Top Ten Words That Sound Great When Spoken By James Earl Jones ============================================================== **As read by James Earl Jones himself!** 10. Mellifluous 9. Verisimilitude 8. Guppy 7. Stolichnaya 6. Boutros-Boutros Ghali 5. Neo-Synephrine 4. Pinhead 3. Mujibur and Sirajul 2. Heebie-Jeebies 1. Oprah ---> January 6, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Dave's New Year's Resolutions ===================================== 10. Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cheese-filled weenies 9. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show -- "Davecapades!" 8. Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle 7. Tape all the NFL games on CBS 6. Return camera number 3 to NBC (Here, Dave shows camera number 3 -- with an NBC logo on the side) 5. Stop laughing every time I say "The Fox Network" 4. Have applause sign installed in my bedroom 3. To always remain loyal to this fine network -- unless another network comes up with some more money 2. Learn to teeterboard nude (This entry is completed with a clip of senior citizens teeterboarding naked) 1. Four words: Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman ---> January 7, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Good Things About Having The Flu ======================================== 10. "Sister Act 2" actually entertaining when viewed with a high fever 9. Sometimes it's just nice to be "clammy" 8. Can use forehead to warm dinner rolls 7. If you're an actor, and you're playing a guy who sneezes a lot, say hello to Oscar! 6. Fact that you're teeming with parasites makes you feel like Cher 5. If your temperature goes up to 106, you can bring the thermometer to radio station "Kiss 106" and get a free "Kiss 106" bumper sticker 4. Can spend day in front of TV and lose yourself in Oprah 3. If you ask politely, mailman will rub Vicks Vaporub into your chest 2. Get to stay at home and do what you really want (Here, a clip is shown of Dave at home, throwing axes at a wall) 1. Getting gooned on NyQuil ---> January 10, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Signs You Have A Dumb Cat ================================= 10. Instead of purring, makes sound like a stalling Cessna 9. Only seems content when suction-cupped to your car's rear window 8. Believes he's related to Kitty Dukakis 7. Becomes hypnotized whenever Ross Perot is on Larry King 6. Gets between the President and a plate of nachos (Socks only) 5. When playing "Jeopardy", always forgets to phrase answers in the form of a question 4. Let Fox network get NFL Football 3. Believes the Trump marriage will last for years to come 2. No matter how many times you explain it, he can't understand the Clapper (Dave is shown with his cat on the couch, clapping his hands as the lamp next to him goes on and off, telling the cat how it works) 1. Ask to be neutered by Bob Barker personally ---> January 11, 1994 <--- =========================== Top Ten Videotape Leftovers =========================== **Well, the only way to get the full effect of this list is to see the episode. I'll try to explain the clips that were shown...** 10. Christmas at Dave's house (Dave sitting on his couch, drinking egg nog from a huge punch bowl, getting most of it all over the front of himself) 9. Dave plays his fiddle (A guy that sort of looks like Dave playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races) 8. Dave gets electrocuted (Dave is in the basement of the theater, standing in front of some wiring, and asks the person he's with, "Do you think that's grounded?" He then grabs the wire, sparks fly out of it and he screams) 7. Tommy Lasorda swimming laps (Mr. Lasorda swimming laps in a pool, complete with goggles and flippers) 6. Dave relaxing at home (Dave is at home throwing axes into a wall) 5. Dave gets electrocuted again (Dave is hooked up to electrodes, and the screen displays "9 x 6". Dave answers, "96", and he's electrocuted) 4. Paul caught in ceiling fan (Paul is hanging onto two blades of a spinning ceiling fan) 3. Dave in the early 70's (It's a picture of some very creepy looking guy that sort of looks like Dave, taken in the early 70's) 2. Dave gets electrocuted again (Dave is sitting at a kitchen table, eating corn on the cob which is plugged into an electrical outlet) 1. Vice President Al Gore says... (Buttafuoco) ---> January 12, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Signs Your Shop Teacher Is Nuts ======================================= 10. Drinks two gallons of marine varnish a week 9. Begins every sentence with "Back when I was sane..." 8. Shouts "Watch this -- You don't need a hammer if you have a steel plate in your skull" 7. Same project, semester after semester: Make your own coffin 6. Favorite game: Fill my pants with sawdust 5. Guns 'N' Roses recorded one of his songs 4. He's built himself a plywood girlfriend 3. If someone loses a finger, everyone loses a finger 2. Arranges bandsaw safety demonstration by Lorena Bobbitt 1. Calls the drill press "mommy" ---> January 13, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Bobbitt Trial ============================================= 10. "Who ordered the Diet Slice?" 9. "Could Your Honor instruct juror no. 4 to stop giggling?" 8. "Mr. Bobbitt, please rise" 7. "I paid $500 for this ticket, now dammit, I want to see Streisand sing!" 6. "What's Andrew Giuliani doing here?" 5. "One million bucks. All you've gotta do is say you used a Ginsu" 4. "Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the Velcro Corporation, and we've got an idea for an ad" 3. "If President Clinton were here I bet he'd be eating fries" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "I said, place your HAND on the bible" 1. "Look out, Lorena's got the gavel!" ---> January 14, 1994 <--- =========================================================== Top Ten Things Gore Does When Clinton Is Out Of The Country =========================================================== 10. Cruises around in Air Force One picking up chicks 9. Waits patiently at White House gate like a lonely Labrador Retriever 8. Plays Tic Tac Toe with cabs (Earlier, Dave and Paul were on the top floor of the theater. They had megaphones and were directing cabs with large X's and O's painted on their roofs to the appropriate squares on a Tic Tac Toe board painted on the street) 7. Same as when Clinton's in the country: Spends day using massive head to bust coconuts 6. Give out hams! (Dave gave out canned hams to lucky audience members all evening) 5. Slaps around George Stephanopoulos 4. Puts on giant mouse costume and scares the hell out of Socks 3. Breaks into Clinton's secret stash of Presidential fries (The same animation of Clinton's head and french fries spinning around to the music of "2001" was played) 2. Calls Dan Quayle's house and says "Is the genius there?" 1. Practices the ol' pocket veto ---> January 17, 1994 <--- ================================================================ Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Kid To Shovel Your Driveway ================================================================ 10. Doesn't seem sure which end of shovel to use 9. He's over 80 and has a Medic Alert bracelet 8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves 7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum cleaner and an extension cord 6. Midway through the job he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing cabs (All evening Dave had a guy in a bear suit hailing cabs in New York City) 5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees 4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys 'R' Us 3. He's too busy disrupting Dad's inauguration speech to finish 2. You get a half-hearted recommendation from his wife, Marilyn Quayle 1. Doesn't finish till mid-July ---> January 18, 1994 <--- ====================================================== Top Ten Reasons Clinton Is Glad To Be Back In The U.S. ====================================================== 10. Time difference made it too hard to stay up for "American Gladiators" 9. It was real damn scary being out in the world without his kitty cat 8. Excited to see how much he can get for the Faberge Eggs he swiped from the Kremlin 7. Europeans are less polite about lousy saxophone playing 6. Good old American French Fries! (The animation of President Clinton's head and a box of french fries, revolving to the "2001" music, was played here) 5. Gore's 24-hour feeder almost empty 4. European bathrooms had some kind of weird sink for midgets 3. Good old American French Fries! (The same animation was played here) 2. Didn't want to miss any more of Court TV's coverage of the Bobbitt trial 1. Russian women look like Bob Dole ---> January 19, 1994 <--- ================================ Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Cold ================================ 10. Youngsters trading in handguns for Isotoner Gloves 9. Dan Rather doing news fron Connie's lap 8. Only 300 people left alive on east coast 7. It's actually nice when a guy rubs up against you on the subway 6. Times Square hookers charge $20 just to blow on your hands 5. Last night, for a full twenty seconds, Bea Arthur stopped sweating 4. Portions of Al Sharpton have been closed 3. President Clinton chipped a tooth on a french fry (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Andrew Giuliani restricted to annoying people indoors 1. Trump's using a de-icer on Marla ---> January 20, 1994 <--- ===================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions ===================================================================== 10. "Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono" 9. "I'm sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they're Bill Wyman's date" 8. "Jerry Garcia couldn't make it tonight -- here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street" 7. "Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono singing?" 6. "Here, take Cesar Romero's seat" 5. "How did Tonya Harding get voted in?" 4. "What a coincidence, Mr. McCartney! I played you in the Chicago cast of 'Beatlemania', and now I'm your waiter!" 3. "On no, they're letting Letterman perform!" (Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races") 2. "Earthquake! Oh wait, Meat Loaf just fell off his chair" 1. "Run for your life -- it's Elton John's hair!" ---> January 21, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Questions Larry King Asked Clinton ========================================== 10. "Boxers or briefs?" 9. "What's the strangest place you and the missus have made whoopie?" 8. "Is that Bobby Ray Inman nuts or what?" 7. "Would you like to touch my suspenders?" 6. "Should I ask you the questions, or put them directly to Hillary?" 5. "You jog every day. You're fat. What gives?" 4. "Under your Health Care Plan, would I be eligible for a pair of less dorky eyeglasses?" 3. "Hey, Bubba, more fries?" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "Why can't Letterman just pay his tolls like a normal person?" (Poor Dave forgot his money to pay tolls on his way to work on Thursday, and while he was filling out papers to get through, a kind woman paid for him, who appeared on the show this evening. Dave reimbursed her for one token, and one extra for being so kind.) 1. "Want Perot to bring you a soda?" **Dave was in reruns this week from 1/24/94 to 1/28/94. He returned on 1/31/94 with the following list.** ---> January 31, 1994 <--- ============================================================= Top Ten Things Buffalo Bills Coach Marv Levy Said At Halftime ============================================================= 10. "We won! Wooo! We're Super Bowl champs!" 9. "Boy, I'm sleepy. You guys sleepy?" 8. "We've got a long trip home after the game, so I don't want anyone wearing themselves out" 7. "Now get out there and rest on your laurels!" 6. "Hey, Kelly. Leave some champagne for everyone else!" 5. "What do you mean there's two more quarters?" 4. "Let's plan exactly how you're gonna dump the Gatorade on me" 3. "Okay, boys -- get out there and start sucking!" 2. "Wait a minute, if we win, we have to go to Disneyland" 1. "Hey fellas, more fudge?" ---> February 1, 1994 <--- ================================================= Top Ten Ways $10 Million Will Change The Slivniks ================================================= 10. No more generic toilet paper...it's Charmin time! 9. MasterCard will raise their credit limit from $2,000 to "Go nuts, Chester!" 8. Can take a real cruise instead of that one with Kathie Lee 7. You know eggs? Those round, white things you have for breakfast? Well, my friends, get used to calling them "Slivniks" 6. Can now afford to buy President Clinton lots of french fries (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 5. Future junk mail from Publishers Clearing House will read, "You may have already won another ten million dollars!" 4. Every evening, a fresh case of Colt .45 will be delivered to their doorstep by Mr. Billy Dee Williams 3. All the wheat they can eat! (Dave showed off his record collection, and one song was from an album produced by the Canadian grain industry. This song was dedicated to wheat with the following lyrics: "Wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, makes your life complete!") 2. Can hire guy to take out granddaughter's figure skating rival 1. Mr. Slivnik has a shot at Marla Maples ---> February 2, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Jeff Gillooly ========================================== 10. Jeff Giloony 9. Jeff Gluey 8. Jif Gellahee 7. Jeff Goldblum 6. Gilly Ooly Ooly Gilly Goo 5. Prisoner #3275 4. Mr. Magooly 3. Chef Boyardee 2. Boutros Boutros Gillooly 1. Guilty ---> February 3, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Oliver North Campaign Slogans ===================================== 10. "I'll trade arms for your vote" 9. "Don't make me get a real job" 8. "At least you already know that I'm a liar" 7. "A man of convictions, none of them pending" 6. "Shred this!" 5. "I've seen Ronald Reagan naked" 4. "Every American will have pizza delivered by the Rockettes!" (The Rockettes were lined up to a pizza place around the corner from the theater, and passed a slice of pizza from person to person, while kicking to the tune of "New York, New York" until it finally reached Dave) 3. "Paper shredder + potatoes = delicious french fries for President Clinton" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "If I-ran/Contra, I can run the country!" 1. "I nailed Fawn Hall" ---> February 4, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Disney Productions In Times Square ========================================== 10. When You Wish Upon My Lap 9. Mr. Toad's Pantsless Ride 8. Space Mounting 7. Mickey & Minnie, Doing It Live! 6. Aladdin '94: "Rub This!" 5. It's a Large World 4. Mary's Poppin'! 3. Hookers of the Caribbean 2. Beauty and the Bobbitt 1. Free Willy ---> February 7, 1994 <--- =============================== Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports =============================== **To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave had Paula Zahn and Harry Smith of "CBS This Morning" play their cello and tuba, respectively, after each entry.** 10. Pantsless Ski Jump 9. Synchronized Hockey 8. Four-man Zamboni 7. Racketeering 6. Bobsled with Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks and Bob Hope 5. Really Drunk Luge 4. Lead Pipe Free-For-All 3. Bare-Assed Slalom 2. Bobbittsledding 1. Freestyle Gillooly ---> February 8, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At Ronald Reagan's Birthday Party ========================================================== 10. "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?" 9. "Happy Birthday to...wait stop. He's wandered off again!" 8. "...And now President Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish himself a Happy Birthday" 7. "Mommy make me cake! Cake good" 6. "More coffee, Quayle?" 5. "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula" 4. "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory,' if you know what I mean" 3. "Quick, hide the cake! Rush Limbaugh's here!" 2. "Wow, a Beavis and Butt-Head T-Shirt!" 1. "Am I still President?" ---> February 9, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Signs The Beatles May Be Here Tonight ============================================= 10. Giant yellow submarine parked in front of theater 9. Street vendors selling Ringo Dogs 8. They were supposed to be on last night, but we ran out of time 7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool 6. Pete Best spotted in the standby tickets line 5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book 4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK 3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session (Here, they played that famous clip of a guy that sort of looks like Dave playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races") 2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe 1. Hell has just frozen over ---> February 10, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Questions Connie Chung Asked Tonya Harding ================================================== 10. "Would you walk through the metal detector one more time, please?" 9. "Do you think you could kick my ass?" 8. "Can you help me and Maury have a baby?" 7. "How much do you think your pals would charge to whack Dan Rather's knees?" 6. "What the hell is that Cop on the Edge thing?" (All night, Dave had little skits with Bruno Kirby as the "Cop on the Edge") 5. "Do you know Amy Fisher?" 4. "When he hit Nancy in the knee, did it sort of sound like 'Chunnnggg'?" 3. "Did you see the Beatles reunion on Letterman last night?" (Here they played the clip from Wednesday's show of Calvert DeForest, as the Beatles, singing one of their tunes) 2. "How many packs of cigarettes is a gold medal worth in prison?" 1. "Can you spell 'Gillooly'?" ---> February 11, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Medal ============================================= 10. Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio show 9. Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money 8. You're the only speed skater not wearing pants 7. Two words: Team Fiji 6. Instead of the Olympic Village you're staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn 5. You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys 'R' Us gift certificate 4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit 3. You trained for the last 4 years by throwing hatchets at your living room wall (Here, the clip of Dave throwing axes into his living room wall was shown) 2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold 1. Your name is Tonya Harding ---> February 14, 1994 <--- ============================= Top Ten Fabio Pick-Up Lines ============================= **Fabio made a special appearance for this list, reading each entry after Dave said the number** 10. Can I buy you a drink after I finish my 2,000 sit-ups? 9. Don't you think the "No Shirt, No Service" policy is ridiculous? 8. Wanna help me choose a last name? 7. You look hungry. I will microwave you a burrito 6. How would you like to ride a finely tuned Italian love machine? 5. Did you know that "Fabio" is Italian for "Fonzie"? 4. Yo, Mama, what it is? Let's you and me get it on! 3. Who do you like better -- Beavis or Butt-Head? 2. I find you very attractive even though your chest is much smaller than mine 1. Wow! You are almost as beautiful as me! ---> February 15, 1994 <--- =============================================== Top Ten Things Overheard In The Olympic Village =============================================== 10. "Lead pipes! Get your lead pipes here!" 9. "Let's count all the fat guys in luge suits" 8. "My name's Michael Jordan and I'm here to enter the ski jump competition" 7. "How do you say 'screw you' in Norwegian?" 6. "I'm sorry, but I still can't find your name on the guest list, Mr. Gillooly" 5. "How much for the fake gold medals?" 4. "It must be a treat for Hillary to see real athletes instead of Bill in those jogging shorts" 3. "How 'bout a little two-man luge?" (If you know what I mean) 2. "I'm sorry Mrs. Letterman, but your son's credit card is no good" (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. "There's no way I'm rooming with Harding!" ---> February 16, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Signs Greg Gumbel Is Nuts ================================= 10. Has been eating nothing but Slim Jims and Gatorade 9. Every time the U.S. wins a medal, he takes off another article of clothing 8. Asks each of his guests, "Who's fatter, me or Bryant?" 7. The parrot and the eye patch 6. Signed a long-term contract with CBS Sports 5. Invested millions in line of soups called Greg Gumbo 4. Signs off each night with "Take that, you Norwegian bastards!" 3. Drank quart of Old Milwaukee and tried to extinguish Olympic torch 2. Officially changed name to Greg Gumbel-Gillooly 1. Keeps proposing to my mom (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) ---> February 17, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Not Winning A Gold Medal ================================================== 10. No problem getting through the metal detector on the trip home 9. Five words: Year's supply of Turtle Wax 8. Sure they give you the gold medal, but they make you pay plenty for the matching earrings 7. Aren't subject to Clinton's new "Gold Medal Tax" 6. Instead of being "Joe, the Fastest Skier in the World," it's kind of nice just to be "Dorky Ol' Joe" 5. Sympathy goes a long way with Norwegian chicks 4. You won't get mugged for it on the D-Train 3. Don't have to go to White House and jog with bloated president 2. Fame and wealth often inspire strangers to break into your home 1. Gillooly won't push for a reconciliation ---> February 18, 1994 <--- ========================================= Top Ten Norwegian Nicknames For Americans ========================================= **To assist in the presentation of this list, Dave's mom, live from Norway, read each entry after Dave read the number** 10. Star-Spangled Ninnies 9. Opraholics 8. Djorks 7. Knee-Clubbers 6. Gap-Toothed T.V. Boy 5. Tommymoes 4. Nordic Track Sissies 3. Gilloolys 2. McButtheads **Gold medal speed skater Dan Jansen presented this final entry live from Norway** 1. Bobbitteers ---> February 21, 1994 <--- ==================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Taping Of The Jackson Family Special ==================================================================== 10. "How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?" 9. "Once again, please welcome the Jackson Family Lawyers!" 8. "No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon too!" 7. "That's odd...I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'" 6. "More fudge, Miss Taylor?" 5. "Siegfried, Tito ... Tito, Siegfried ... Roy, Tito ... Tito, Roy" 4. "Good news, Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating Michael..." 3. "What's La Toya doing with that lead pipe?" 2. "It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again" 1. "Sing something, you weirdo!" ---> February 22, 1994 <--- =========================== Top Ten Olympian Pet Peeves =========================== 10. Having to spend so much time with freakin' foreigners 9. When they run out of medals and just give you a wadded-up piece of Reynolds Wrap 8. There's just not enough coverage of the Tonya/Nancy rivalry 7. You compete, you win the gold, but Monday morning you have to be back at work at the Pizza Hut 6. When Marv Albert follows you around looking for bloopers 5. Falling a few hundredths of a second short on your wedding night 4. When you're in 37th place and some moron is still screaming "Go for the gold!" 3. You marry one of your Olympic teammates and forever after your name is "Picabo Moe" 2. Getting stopped in the middle of a bobsled run by one of those squeegee guys 1. Chapped ass ---> February 23, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Ways To Make The Olympics More Fun ========================================== 10. Let biathlon competitors shoot at each other 9. Require ski jumpers to scream "Weeeeeeeeee" as they come down 8. Automatic gold if your luge hits a moose 7. Bobsled must have four guys all named Bob 6. New sport: Olympic Ass-Kissing 5. Medal ceremony includes lengthy open-mouth kisses from Dick Button 4. Instead of counting down 3-2-1 Go, count down 3-2-1 Gillooly 3. Everyone's ice dancing partner: Willard Scott 2. Let my mom enter sledding competition (Dave's mom is in Norway covering the Olympics for the Late Show, and they showed a clip of her reindeer sledding) 1. More rock, less Tonya ---> February 24, 1994 <--- ============================= Top Ten Tonya Harding Excuses ============================= 10. Inhaled a sequin 9. Shouldn't have had Grand Slam Breakfast at Lillehammer Denny's 8. Was weighed down by bundles of cash from "Inside Edition" 7. Got scared by Nancy Kerrigan's giant teeth 6. Two words: Rented Skates 5. Got pre-skate talk by Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy 4. Couldn't compete against Dave and Paul (Last night, "Dave and Paul" went ice skating during the show) 3. Got mixed up before competition and hit self in knee with lead pipe 2. Partying late night before with Dave's mom (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. Couldn't land the Triple Gillooly ---> February 25, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Signs You're Tired Of The Olympics ========================================== 10. All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough 9. You imagine your hands around the throat of that Coke-drinking polar bear 8. You say, "Oh good, 'Hangin' with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight" 7. Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your hand 6. You're NBC President Warren Littlefield 5. You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo 4. Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've starting using your five gold medals as coasters 3. Actually watched "The Jackson Family Honors" 2. You beg your son to let you return to Indiana (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. No longer laugh at the name Gillooly ---> February 28, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be A Russian Spy ===================================================== 10. Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips 9. Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was "I Married a Russian Spy" 8. Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop 7. At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that loses game for CIA 6. Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk 5. Takes a lot of "souvenir photos" of classified documents 4. When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Comrade Boss is good, no?" 3. Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin 2. Wears one of them big-ass fuzzy hats 1. Everywhere you look: Borscht! ---> March 1, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Grammys ======================================= 10. "Flea, Sting. Sting, Flea" 9. "Yes, I was in Milli Vanilli. Now can I please show you to your seat?" 8. "If I sign up a hundred people to do a duet with Sinatra, I win a mini-bike" 7. "Call 9-1-1 -- oh, nevermind, Keith Richards always looks like that" 6. "I believe Cher's new lips are still covered under warranty" 5. "...And now the border collies will herd Aerosmith into a cab" (Dave had a sheep-herder and his dogs on the show. The dogs moved five sheep from the lobby of the theater into a waiting cab.) 4. "Ice Cube, Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf, Ice Cube" 3. "I didn't know Letterman played the fiddle" (Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races") 2. "Sorry Madonna -- no shirt, no shoes, no service" 1. "Peabo, Picabo. Picabo, Peabo" ---> March 2, 1994 <--- ====================== Top Ten Singable Names ====================== **To assist in the presentation of this Top Ten List, Dave had the "Late Show Backup Singers" sing each name** 10. Vladimir Zhirinovsky 9. Shaquille O'Neal 8. George Stephanopoulos 7. Abe Vigoda 6. Picabo Street 5. Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. 4. Morley Safer 3. Newt Gingrich 2. Jeff Gillooly **And, singing the number one entry, Tony Bennett, to the tune of "Davy Crockett"** 1. Boutros Boutros-Ghali ---> March 3, 1994 <--- ==================================================== Top Ten Nancy Kerrigan Complaints About Disney World ==================================================== 10. Saw enough damn foreigners at the Olympics 9. Mickey beat her out for "Employee of the Month" by one tenth of a point 8. Had to share a bathroom with the Country Bears 7. Incompetent security allowed Jack Nicholson to attack her float with a 9-iron 6. Pressure to star with Tonya Harding in remake of "Lady and the Tramp" 5. It's the most corniest place she's ever been to 4. She has to stand there and smile while kids whack her in the knees with plastic toy pipes 3. Scary Space Mountain ride makes her giant teeth chatter 2. "Goofy" sounds too much like "Gillooly" 1. Donald Duck all hands ---> March 4, 1994 <--- ==================================== Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Spy ==================================== 10. Begins every conversation by saying, "Hey, you know any secrets?" 9. Bumper sticker on car fender reads: "I'd rather be spyin'" 8. After one too many drinks, asks "Want to see your FBI file?" 7. Every Halloween, gives your kids plutonium 6. He's been driving around for the last 6 months with the body of Lenin in the trunk of his Buick 5. You tell him you work for the government and the next thing you know you wake up nude in Switzerland 4. You catch him going through your garbage in a raccoon suit 3. You mention you're having problems in the bedroom, and he says, "Yeah, I know" 2. You spot Yeltsin doing cannonballs in his pool 1. He tries to plant a bug in your pants **Dave was in reruns this week from 3/8/94 to 3/12/94. He returned on 3/14/94 with the following list.** ---> March 14, 1994 <--- ====================================== Top Ten Other Hillary Clinton Mistakes ====================================== 10. Beating Sam Donaldson to the ground with a nine iron 9. Bought Bill these gag super short jogging shorts & now he actually wears the things! 8. Cutting off Sinatra's Grammy speech 7. Not buying deodorized litter for Socks 6. Not buying deodorized litter for Roger 5. Her lingering TV kiss with Roseanne 4. The time she got too near Bill at feed time and lost a finger 3. Introducing fiance Bill to her sexy roommate Gennifer 2. Inviting Ted Kennedy to White House for open bar 1. Not making Bill take her last name ---> March 15, 1994 <--- =========================================== Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Accountant =========================================== 10. Asks you how many monies you made this year 9. The calculator he's been adding numbers on is actually a TV remote control 8. What he calls "tax forms", most people call "paper hats" 7. Accompanies you to your audit wearing a bunny suit 6. Takes you aside and whispers, "Between you, me, and the lamppost -- a nine's more or less the same thing as a six, right?" 5. When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?" 4. You recognize him as the guy who played Horshack on "Welcome Back, Kotter" 3. Repeatedly grabs himself and says, "Deduct this, am I right?!" 2. Tells you that strangers living in your house can be declared as dependents 1. His only other client: Willie Nelson ---> March 16, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee ======================================== 10. When you call radio talkshows, they ask you to turn yourself down 9. You're passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize -- you're not in a car 8. You run around your company board room yelling, "I've got a great idea! A Disney World in France! We'll call it EuroDisney!" 7. You can't stop saying, "No" (Earlier in the show, Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 6. Last time you got good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin 5. You're shaking like Mexican space shuttle 4. You jam a fork into the waiter's hand when he tries to switch your regular coffee with Folger's Crystals 3. You go nuts over a little thing like a car alarm (A car alarm was going off outside the theater earlier, and Dave went out to the Hello Deli next door and got pea soup to pour on the engine) 2. Like our stage manager Biff Henderson, it starts to spray out of your ears (Self-explanatory...) 1. You're up to four heart attacks a day **Because of "March Madness," Dave was in reruns on Thursday, 3/17/94 and Friday, 3/18/94. Dave returned on Monday, 3/21/94 with the following list.** ---> March 21, 1994 <--- ============================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Academy Awards ============================================== 10. "Check it out -- Siskel's sitting on Ebert's lap" 9. "And the winner is -- Owww! Paper cut!" 8. "I can't believe it! That's 9 Oscars for 'Sister Act 2'!" 7. "Heads up! Jack Nicholson's got a nine iron!" 6. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, what you've all been waiting for -- that weird old coot who does the one-armed push-ups!" 5. "Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Ernest. Ernest, Ace Ventura Pet Detective" 4. "Will that be snubbing or non-snubbing, Miss Streisand?" 3. "Is that another aftershock or did Marlon Brando just walk in?" 2. "And the Oscar goes to Burt Reynolds for 'Cop and a Half'...Just kidding, Burt! Sit your goofy ass down" 1. "Hey look! Price & Waterhouse are gettin' it on!" ---> March 22, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Cabbie Nicknames For Passengers ======================================= **Each entry of this list was displayed on the roof of a cab, viewed by an overhead camera as the cab passed the theater** 10. Vinyl Jockeys 9. Curb Monkeys 8. Suckers 7. Hail Marys 6. Americans 5. Casualties 4. Hostages 3. Dipsticks 2. Soap-A-Holics 1. Fare-ies ---> March 23, 1994 <--- ================================== Top Ten Slogans For The Wonder Bra ================================== 10. Breakfast for Your Chest 9. The Quicker Picker-upper 8. The Bra Schwarzkopf Wore in Desert Storm! 7. Up, Up, and Away 6. As Seen on "The Golden Girls!" 5. You'll Never Need an Airbag Again! 4. Say Goodbye to Masking Tape and Staples 3. Does More Lifting and Separating Before 8 A.M. Than Most Bras Do All Day 2. Looks Great, More Filling 1. Leave it to Cleavage! **Because of "March Madness," Dave was in reruns on Thursday, 3/24/94 and Friday, 3/25/94. Dave returned on Monday, 3/28/94 with the following list.** ---> March 28, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Signs You're In Love With Barbra Streisand ================================================== 10. You see all of history as being divided into two main periods: Pre-Yentl and Post-Yentl 9. You refuse to buy People magazine because you think they ripped off the title from her song 8. You're in federal prison for gluing a giant wig and fake nose onto the head of the Lincoln Memorial 7. You come to after a huge natural gas explosion and say, "Forget about me, how's Barbra Streisand?" 6. By dating her you risk destroying your marriage and your presidency 5. You spend hours in bookstores crossing "Einstein" out of science books and writing in "Streisand" 4. Two words: restraining order 3. The "Funny Lady" tattoo on your ass 2. You write her long rambling letters about your new CBS talk show 1. You are Barbra Streisand ---> March 29, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Thoughts On The Mind Of Roger Clinton's Bride ===================================================== 10. Maybe now's a good time to ask Roger exactly what he does for a living 9. Oh no, I put Stephanopolous at the children's table! 8. I can't believe that idiot brother of his wore running shorts to the wedding 7. How much longer can I pretend I enjoy Roger's singing? 6. It could be worse. I could be marrying an untalented loser whose brother isn't the President 5. I have made the greatest sacrifice a KGB agent can make 4. Hey, leave some of them little cocktail weenies for the rest of us, Mr. President! 3. A Mr. Coffee from Lloyd Bentsen...that cheap bastard! 2. That was nice of Bill to give us our own little plot of land up there in -- what did he call it -- Whitewater? 1. At least I didn't marry into the Jackson family ---> March 30, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Financial Tips ======================================== 10. Don't buy furniture -- borrow it from the Smithsonian 9. Raise everybody's taxes -- and start grabbin' with both hands, Chester! 8. Whatever you do, don't buy land in Arkansas 7. Three words: Extra Value Meal 6. Aim scud at Perot. Take a billion 5. Buy low. Sell for $100,000 4. Instead of an expensive name brand stuffing, load your husband up on sawdust 3. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Socks to a medical testing lab 2. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Roger to a medical testing lab 1. Scalp Streisand tickets ---> March 31, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Signs It's Spring In New York ===================================== 10. Street vendors change hot dog water 9. Air is filled with 9mm, "NYC Hummingbirds" 8. Cab drivers yell, "It's a lovely spring day. Now get out of the road you stupid bastard!" 7. Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve 6. Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players 5. More than usual, people are mating in the streets 4. Al Sharpton switches to a lightweight medallion 3. The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws (A clip is shown of Biff drinking coffee, while some sprays out of his ears) 2. Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack 1. Everywhere you look -- adorable baby rats ---> April 1, 1994 <--- ====================================== Top Ten Signs The Easter Bunny Is Nuts ====================================== 10. Hides all the eggs in his pants 9. "Bite me" shaved into the fur on his back 8. Last Tuesday doctors removed 17 pounds of plastic Easter grass from his stomach 7. Has been caught pelting cars with eggs on the Cross Bronx Expressway 6. Much like President Clinton, can only say "No, no, no, no" (Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 5. Home filled with thousands of old bodybuilding magazines & empty cans of Spaghetti-O's 4. Despite a restraining order, still stalking Mrs. Claus 3. Claims he made $100,000 trading cattle futures without breaking any laws 2. Every time he hops he falls on his ass 1. Booked Madonna on his talk show (Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she "swore like a sailor" all through the interview) ---> April 4, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Ways The Mets Can Improve ================================= 10. Simple team rule: No hits, no pancakes 9. Set goals lower and try to make Little League World Series 8. Curry favor with umpire by helping him make huge profit in cattle futures 7. Chewing tobacco with steroids 6. Get rid of Darryl Strawberry 5. Bench entire team, give bat to trained monkey 4. Maximum 2 arrests per season for all players 3. Hire ghost of Ty Cobb to hang around dugout and give out kicks in the ass 2. Throw opposing pitcher off his game by using f-word 13 times (Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she said the f-word 13 times during the interview) 1. Across-the-board 25% reduction in sucking ---> April 5, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Ways Charles Kuralt Will Spend His Retirement ===================================================== 10. Move to Seattle, get a band together 9. He's the new super on "Melrose Place" 8. Just wait quietly at home for Kuraltmania to sweep the country 7. Driving around rest home in a golfcart flicking lights "on" and "off" 6. Watering and trimming Andy Rooney's eyebrows 5. 12 hours a day making macaroni and cheese, 12 hours a day eating macaroni and cheese 4. Three words: Rap Video Cameos 3. Start up RV. Sit in driveway. Drink beer. Repeat. 2. Get totally buffed and then kick some ass on "American Gladiators" 1. Cruisin' for babes with Walter Cronkite ---> April 6, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Surprises In The Clintons' Old Tax Returns ================================================== 10. Socks spent over $1,000 a year in office supplies 9. Lost $500,000 investing in specialty clothing store called "Big Bubba's" 8. In 1978, under "Occupation", wrote "Ambitious Hillbilly" 7. Claimed thighs as dependents 6. From 1978-92, filed a W-2 with Gennifer Flowers 5. Hillary made $100,000 from picking up discarded soda bottles 4. President Clinton reported extra income wrestling under the name, "The Arkansas Fat Boy" 3. Large donations to American French Fry Manufacturers Association (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Took obscure deduction for brother Roger as a "mentally feeble house pet" 1. President Clinton's real name...Susan ---> April 7, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Ways To Annoy An I.R.S. Agent ===================================== 10. Instead of I.R.S., pronounce it "irs" 9. Whenever he starts using his calculator, start yelling out a bunch of numbers 8. Tape all your receipts up into a giant ball and then whip it at his head 7. Pour a jar of honey on your W-2, let a bear loose in his office 6. Be Leona Helmsley 5. Tell him "You know who makes a lot of money? That Oprah" 4. Keep saying, "1040, good buddy!" 3. Whenever he disallows a deduction, say "Oh, Mr. Gotti isn't going to like that..." 2. List his wife under "Entertainment Expenses" 1. Keep yelling "Hey, audit this!" ---> April 8, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Having Madonna On Your Talk Show ========================================================== **Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she "swore like a sailor" all through the interview.** 10. The host can sit back, relax and let the censors do all the work 9. It's just a pleasure to match wits with a genuine conversationalist of the old school 8. In just 15 minutes, makes it feel like you've done a whole week of shows 7. She'll frighten any remaining rats out of your theater 6. 13 in a row, commercial-free obscenities! (Madonna said the f-word 13 times during the interview) 5. For the first time, you truly understand why Sean Penn went nuts 4. Two words: free underpants! (As Madonna walked on stage, she gave Dave a pair of her underpants) 3. Even the ghost of Ed Sullivan gets some action 2. You get to spend more time with her than if you were just having sex 1. It makes your mom proud **Dave was in reruns this week from 4/11/94 to 4/15/94. He returned on 4/18/94 with the following list.** ---> April 18, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Excuses For Filing Your Taxes Late ========================================== 10. Thought late fees would make a nice deduction 9. H Block finished on time, but R Block was a little slow 8. Finished entire Pepperidge Farm chocolate layer cake. Got sleepy. 7. Think about it: The longer you make the I.R.S. wait for your returns, the more excited they'll be when they finally get 'em! 6. Was busy playing ping pong with Carol Channing (A clip was shown of Dave playing ping pong with Carol Channing) 5. Still waiting to hear from Ed McMahon about that million dollar thing 4. Got nasty paper cut from 1040 form, passed out for three days from blood loss 3. Math is real hard, dude 2. I was working around-the-clock to try and keep Tom and Roseanne together 1. My friend Leona said I didn't have to ---> April 19, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Reasons Why Tom And Roseanne Are Divorcing ================================================== 10. Both no longer fit in one house 9. Tom tired of her coattails, he wants to try new coattails 8. Ran out of body space for new tattoos 7. Tom actually getting better ratings on TV than in bed 6. She's nuts, he's nuts -- it was inevitable! 5. Tom felt it was time to prove he could fail on his own 4. Tom kept leaving the cap off the giant tube of cake icing 3. Tom's friend Letterman keeps busting up their furniture with a chainsaw (A clip was shown of Dave cutting through a table with a chainsaw) 2. Never recovered from horror of seeing each other naked 1. Who cares? ---> April 20, 1994 <--- ============================================================= Top Ten Questions President Clinton Was Asked By Teens On MTV ============================================================= 10. "Will your health-care plan cover a wicked hangover?" 9. "Can you make a law that they have to play more U2 videos?" 8. "Where's the sax, Tubby?" 7. "How do you keep your thighs so pasty white?" 6. "Does Gennifer Flowers wear boxers or briefs?" 5. "Is it true you wanted to remove your pants and call this Clinton Unplugged?" 4. "Hey, like, what's with that Gore dude?" 3. "This 'United States' you keep mentioning -- is that like a band or something?" 2. "Wow -- how'd you get your ass into those shorts?" 1. "Where's Beavis, Butt-Head?" ---> April 21, 1994 <--- ================================================ Top Ten President Clinton's Recurring Nightmares ================================================ 10. It's a gigantic town hall meeting, and everyone is Sam Donaldson 9. For some reason, everyone starts calling him "Mr. Dukakis" 8. Drifting in a lifeboat with Richard Simmons 7. People find out about that old Whitewater deal 6. During press conference, can't stop saying "no" (Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 5. Something to do with Gore in a sun dress and pumps 4. He's in an operating room, the surgeon is Socks, and he's still steamed about being neutered 3. Some dweeb with a lame talk show will keep making fun of his love of french fries (A new clip was shown of a Claymation President Clinton walking over to a box of McDonald's french fries, and blowing them apart with lasers shooting from his eyes. The two then spun around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Can't get Streisand tickets 1. Can't get Streisand ---> April 22, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Reasons Tom And Roseanne Are Getting Back Together ========================================================== 10. Tom made a really delicious sandwich 9. To show off their new "Hey, we reconciled!" tattoos 8. According to pre-nuptial agreement, divorce would have meant caning in Singapore 7. Well, it's not for more publicity, that's for sure. You can bet the house on that, Jim! 6. She loves how before coming to bed he kicks his underwear onto his head (Earlier in the show, Dave showed his video collection, and one video was called "What Women Really Want." A clip was shown of a guy talking about how he took his underwear off in front of his girlfriend, by flipping it off his foot, and catching it on his head) 5. Every time one of them tried to storm out, they got wedged in the door frame 4. She's the cheese, he's the eggs, together they're a love omelette 3. A heartfelt plea from Boutros Boutros-Ghali 2. A heartfelt plea from Pizza Hut, Inc. 1. Gravity ---> April 25, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Singapore Tourist Slogans ================================= 10. You'll never sit down again! 9. Singapore -- spanking clean! 8. Screw with us and we'll beat the crap out of you! 7. Singapore -- it's canerific! 6. Yeeeeee-ouuuuuuch! 5. We'll spray-paint any car for $99.95! 4. Give us a week and we'll take off the flesh! 3. Drop your pants, round-eyes! 2. You can bet your ass you'll have fun! 1. Bend over! ---> April 26, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Easiest Jobs In The World ================================= 10. Fan mail coordinator for Jermaine Jackson 9. Organizer of World Series Victory Parades, City of Cleveland 8. Academy Award acceptance speech writer for that "Hey, Vern" guy 7. CBS talk-show weenie 6. Whatever the hell Morty does (Robert "Morty" Morton, producer of the Late Show) 5. Mike Tyson's travel agent 4. Ointment salesman in Singapore 3. Selling french fries to President Clinton (Claymation Clinton blows apart a box of McDonald's french fries with lasers shooting from his eyes) 2. Executive in charge of arranging Madonna's future "Late Show" appearances 1. Loving Oprah -----> Friday, May 6, 1994 <----- ========================================== Top Ten Boutros Boutros-Ghali Pick-up Lines ========================================== 10. "Can I can I buy you buy you a drink a drink" 9. "The nations are united -- why not you and me?" 8. "I'm the man so nice they named me twice!" 7. "I'm so depressed about the unstable world situation that I really don't think I should spend tonight alone" 6. "You were fabulous in 'Basic Instinct,' Ms. Stone" (Sharon Stone was a guest on the show) 5. "It must be fate -- you don't have any Boutroses, and I've got one to spare!" 4. "I have the complete line of General Foods International Coffees back at my place" 3. "In your honor, I'm declaring 1994 the International Year of the Babe" 2. "Want to have sex, Madonna?" 1. "I've got a peace-keeping force in my pants" -----> Thursday, May 5, 1994 <----- ============================================== Top Ten Chapter Titles in Dan Quayle's New Book ============================================== 10. The Night I Got My Head Stuck in the White House Coke Machine 9. Pages for You To Color 8. The Woman Inside Me 7. Pop Tarts Is Tasty 6. Letterman: The Other Indiana Dumb Guy 5. The Time I Met President Bush 4. Pants Full of Macaroni 3. Chapter Twoe 2. Which Is Lower: My Golf Handicap or My I.Q.? 1. The Year I Found Waldo -----> Wednesday, May 4, 1994 <----- ========================================= Top Ten Names for the Rolling Stones' Tour ========================================= 10. Van Full of Grandpas. 9. The Rolling Stones Live Plus Keith Richards. 8. Guitar-playin' Geezers. 7. Brown Sugar and Lots of Bran. 6. Metamusic. 5. The "140 Million in the Bank Isn't Enough" Tour. 4. Cocoon 3. 3. Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger! 2. "Instruments Hooked Up to The Clapper" Tour. 1. Grumpy Old Men. -----> Tuesday, May 3, 1994 <----- ================================================== Top Ten Signs Your Local 7-11 Manager Has Gone Nuts ================================================== 10. Has named his two children "7" and "11". 9. Constantly mooning his own security camera. 8. Sleeps in back of store on a big pile of loose cheese doodles. 7. Claims to be engaged to the cardboard cutout of Kathy Ireland holding a six-pack of Bud. 6. You come in wearing neither a shirt nor shoes and yet he gives you service. 5. His freezer case is full of dead woodchucks. 4. Operates store two blocks from the White House and doesn't sell french fries. [With the clip of a Claymation President Clinton walking over to a box of McD's fries and blasting them apart with lasers from his eyes. Clinton and the blasted fries then spin around to the theme from "2001".] 3. You catch him in front of the microwave with his pants down. 2. Cleans assault rifle while grumbling about "those bastards at Kwik Mart." 1. He keeps caning the burritos! -----> Monday, May 2, 1994 <----- ========================================= Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Graduate ========================================= 10. Cafeteria workers ask, "Anything particular you'd like to eat next semester?" 9. In essay on Civil War, you wrote about Tom and Roseanne breaking up. 8. When you raise your hand in class, the teacher says, "Save it for next year, Einstein." 7. Instead of a cap and gown, you're issued a McDonald's uniform. 6. Your name is Ed Johnson, you're sitting in our audience, and you failed your organic chemistry final. ("Ed Johnson," dressed in cap and gown, rises and dejectedly leaves the theater.) 5. You're a student at Clown College and Professor Bozo confiscated your big red shoes. 4. While I'm reading this list, you've already nodded your head at least three times. 3. You're spending too much time with your boyfriend Woody Allen. 2. Your essays are filled with words you've heard Madonna use. 1. You've been in the eighth grade since 1961. -----> Friday, April 29, 1994 <----- ====================================== Top Ten Features of the New Boeing 777 ====================================== 10. Special emergency exit for fat guys. 9. Instead of oxygen masks, bags of candy drop down. 8. Just for fun, every seat is numbered "16-D." 7. To make travel more exciting, an "Unfasten Pants" sign. 6. Extra padding on the seat for American tourists returning from Singapore. 5. If on-board slot machine shows 7-7-7, you get extra biscuits with dinner. 4. Flapping wings and a big quacking duck beak. 3. Video cameras so passengers can prove they've joined the Mile-High Club. 2. Every ten minutes, cabin fills with nitrous oxide. 1. Seats twice as many as Madonna's bedroom. -----> Thursday, April 28, 1994 <----- ================================================= Top Ten Signs You've Chosen a Bad Plastic Surgeon ================================================= 10. Your nose is attached with Velcro. 9. In the operating room, you notice a lot of cans of Play-doh. 8. Your new cheek implants feel suspiciously like ketchup packets. 7. Paper bags with eyeholes for sale in the reception area. 6. His waiting room is crawling with Jacksons. 5. After several minutes in the sun your forehead melts. 4. At first visit, he nervously asks, "You didn't see '60 Minutes' last Sunday, did you?" 3. The last thing you hear as you go under anesthetic is, "Sweet dreams, Mr. Face-on-your-ass!" 2. You're a guy, you go in for a nose job, and you come out a 36 triple D. 1. Your name is Cher. ================================================ Top Ten of My Secretary's Complaints About Me ================================================ [ On Secretary's Day ] 10. The way I'm always borrowing her whiteout to paint my fingernails. 9. My strict "no talking" policy during the "Montel Williams Show". 8. Having to feed the squirrel that lives in my hair. 7. I'm just too damn goofy looking to be taken seriously. 6. Every morning from 8 to 10m it's ping pong with Ms. Carol Channing. [With a clip of Dave playing ping pong with Carol.] 5. The unbearable stench of Vicks Vaporub and cheddar cheese. 4. About 300 times a day, I buzz her on the intercom and shout, "Breaker 10-9, good buddy!" 3. When I'm out of town, way I have that woman break into her house. 2. I frequently walk around the office in nothing but a Menendez wig. 1. The daily canings. The show comes from Los Angeles this week. Opening: From Television City in Los Angeles, CA, founded in 1781 by aspiring actors... And now the original "Mitch" on Bay Watch, David Letterman. -----> Monday, May 9, 1994 <----- ============================================ Top Ten Reasons We're Doing the Show in L.A. ============================================ The Top Ten list was brought out to Dave by "Larry Bud" posing as the mayor of Los Angeles, Richard Riordan. 10. New York was shut down for a really good cleaning 9. Wanted to be closer to my nephews Lyle and Erik 8. Ed Sullivan Theater filled with rats the size of ponies 7. We're hoping to see Jack Nicholson go nuts on the freeway with a nine-iron 6. Madonna is in New York 5. Time difference means I can stay up three hours later playing with my kitties (cuts to a clip of Dave putting a cat on a miniature trapeze and watching it swing back and forth) 4. Needed to give the woman who keeps breaking into my house some time to herself 3. I had to come out to clean Johnny Carson's pool 2. Wanted to be first to get a speeding ticket on newly reopened Santa Monica Freeway 1. Three words: It's bitchin', dude Opening: From Television City in Los Angeles: surf's up, dude... -----> Tuesday, May 10, 1994 <----- =========================== Top Ten Surfer Pet Peeves =========================== The Top Ten list was brought out to Dave by "Larry Bud" in goggles posing as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 10. Dudes who ain't bitchin' 9. Some wise guy changes the wax you normally use with Folger's Crystals 8. When Dr. Kevorkian hangs ten 7. Over 200 years of so-called democracy, and not one surfing president 6. Every time the Federal Reserve gets overcautious about inflation & stifles the economy by raising interest rates, dude 5. When you catch an amazing wave and realize your trunks have caught a different wave 4. Seniors day at the nude beach 3. When Letterman eats your entire supply of surfboard wax (clip of Dave eating something that appears to be a cake of surfboard wax) 2. Four words: Sand in your ass 1. Getting mouth-to-mouth from David Hasselhoff -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Opening: From Television City in Los Angeles, CA, easy access to Christopher Columbus Transcontinental Highway... ... and now, "Mr. Showbiz," David Letterman! -----> Wednesday, May 11, 1994 <----- ===================================== Top Ten Ways to Annoy Richard Simmons ===================================== Top Ten list was brought out to Dave by "Larry Bud" posing as Clint Eastwood. 10. Put South American fire ants in his little shorts 9. While he's asleep, give him a buzz cut... The camera pans around to the audience, Richard Simmons comes into the studio while Paul plays "YMCA" by the Village People, runs down on stage, grabs the Top Ten List out of Dave's hands, rips it up and runs out. Now the real Top Ten List (Dave acts as though he's making it up on the spot): ===================================== Top Ten Signs Richard Simmons Is Nuts ===================================== 10. Recently found naked on San Diego Freeway playing Solitaire with his Deal-a-Meal cards 9. Loses weight by pulling his own teeth 8. He's suing President Clinton for sexual harassment 7. The other day he beat a fat guy senseless with a skillet 6. Seen driving around with his blue convertible full of hookers and beer 5. I see him sweating, but I don't hear no oldies 4. Eats sticks of butter like they were carrots 3. Just take a look at this (cuts to a clip of Simmons on his "Sweatin' to the Oldies" video) 2. Suzanne Somers found in a ditch with a Thighmaster wrapped around her neck 1. Has been spray painting cars in Singapore -----> Thursday, May 12, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== An now, a man who's packed in ice and flown in daily, David Letterman. ================================= Top Ten Things L.A. Dumb Guys Say ================================= Dave announced that Madonna was going to deliver tonight's list. Larry Bud Melman brought out the list as Madonna. Larry walked up to Letterman, handed him the list and said, "Hey, Letterman, F*** you!" (A reference to Madonna's now infamous appearance in which she said the F-word 13 times.) 10. This sunblock tastes funny 9. If DisneyLand works here, it'll work in France 8. Let's have James Caan on the show -- he'll be great! (James Caan was a guest on last nights show and the interview was a slow one for Letterman.) 7. If you give me a canned ham, I'll take off my pants 6. Welcome to the program, my name is Dave Letterman. 5. It's the Big One! It's the Big One! Oh, wait a second, -- I'm sittin' on the washing machine 4. I sure did like seein' Dave arm wrestle that giant squirrel! (Dave did a bit earlier on LA Souvenirs. One of the souvenirs was David Letterman's _How to Kill Time During a Traffic Jam_. The time killer he described was imagining a giant squirrel in your car and arm wrestling with it.) 3. How 'the hell am I supposed to solve the puzzle, Pat, will all them letters missin'? 2. Don't worry Lyle -- They'll never suspect us 1. How do you spell LA? -----> Friday, May 13, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== >From Television City in Los Angeles, California, we're already working on the sequel. It's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight: Bette Midler and musical group, Traffic - Plus Paul Schaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who loves them Fatburgers, David Letterman. [Editor's Note: Later in the show, Dave visits several fast food restaurants with Zsa-Zsa Gabor -- including Fatburgers.] ==================================== Top Ten Things We Will Miss About LA ==================================== When he reaches the point to deliver the Top Ten List, Dave announces, "Here with tonight's Top Ten List, the host of the Tonight Show for 30 years, Johnny Carson." Similar to several days this week, Larry Bud Melman brought out the list. Larry handed the list to Dave and said, "You're worth every penny, pinhead! Goodnight Suckers!" After his short statement, Larry left the stage. When Dave sat down to examine the list, he realized that it wasn't the correct list and said, "No, this is not the list. Johnny, could I have the list?" Then the *real* Johnny Carson brought out the correct list, sat a moment at Dave's desk (while Dave sat in the guest's chair), shook his head during the crowd's roaring ovation, got up without speaking (he has had a bout with laryngitis), and exited the stage. 10. My hairpiece glue dries faster in the warm California sun 9. Carjackers who say "Please" and "Thank You" 8. Swimmin' pools, movie stars 7. Eating Fatburgers with a happenin' lady (See earlier editor's note) 6. Two words: James Caan (Dave followed this on with "I'm sorry, that's one of the things we *won't* miss about LA!" The statement was made in reference to Dave's 05/11/94 interview with James Caan, which did not go very well.) 5. Woman who keeps breaking into my hotel room always leaves a mint 4. Hangin' 10 with my main dude, Paul (Earlier in the show, Dave and Paul snuck off to do some "last minute surfing") 3. Bob Barker spaying and neutering the entire staff for free 2. Bitchin' keggers with Erik and Lyle 1. Drive-by mudslides -----> Monday, May 16, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, the city that never sweeps, it's The Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Heather Locklear, singer Travis Tritt, and and comic book author Harvey Pekar. Plus Paul Schaffer and the CBS orchestra. And now, a man who's filling in for the vacationing Ted Koppel, David Letterman. =========================================== Top Ten Reasons We're Glad to be Back in NY =========================================== 10. Miss the tangy tasteof Hudson River drinking water 9. Nobody rubs up against you on the LA subway 8. May is "clothing optional month" in Central Park 7. Two more days and I'd be married to Liz Taylor 6. Get cheap applause just for mentioning New York City 5. I was a little creeped out by our bellboys, Lyle and Erik 4. Two words: James Caan 3. Got tired of eating burgers with Zsa Zsa Gabor 2. Our middle fingers were starting to lose muscle tone 1. We missed the rats -----> Wednesday, May 18, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Stupid Pet Tricks, Carol Burnett, and musical guest Emmylou Harris. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the man who's taking Oprah to the prom, David Letterman. ====================================================== Top Ten Signs There Are Too Many Rats In New York City ====================================================== 10. On every other block there is a "Gap for Rats" 9. Often caught trying to mate with Mayor's hairpiece 8. It's practically impossible to reserve a table at any really filthy restaurants 7. One's producing the show 6. Average cab driver has at least three of them in his turban 5. Personals filled with ads like: "Furry four-legged male cheese lover seeking mate" 4. Your dinner is being bussed away from your table -- and the busboy's nowhere in sight! 3. Who cares -- Let's take another look at that surfin' cat! (Dave then showed a clip of him supposedly teaching his cat to surf in the hotel room in L.A. last week.) 2. Al Sharpton seen wearing one on a gold chain around his neck 1. Roaches starting to complain -----> Thursday, May 19, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, snack bar closes at midnight, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Barbara Walters and singer Mariah Carey. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, chairman of the Federal Reserve, David Letterman. ========================================== Signs You Have A Bad Long Distance Company ========================================== 10. All calls are $2 for the first min., $94 each additional min. 9. Operator makes you describe what you're wearing 8. Their so-called "dial tone" is just a guy with a kazoo 7. You can only place long distance calls during an electrical storm 6. They bill you for calls made by some guy named Pepe, and when you complain they say, "Whatsa problem, man, you no like Pepe?" 5. Whenever you call their office, you hear gunfire 4. For some reason, your phone doesn't work unless you're wearing 3-D glasses 3. Everyone you talk to sounds like the guy at the drive-thru window at McDonald's 2. No matter what number you dial you always get Richard Simmons 1. Their slogan is: "Reach out and touch yourself" -----> Friday, May 20, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, wholly owned and operated by the Gap, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight, Eddie Murphy, Tony Bennett, and comedian Wayne Cotter. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, Supreme Court nominee, David Letterman. ============================================ Top Ten Signs Your Kid Watches Too Much T.V. ============================================ 10. Instead of coughing, emits short bursts of static 9. Constantly murdering people in hopes of meeting Angela Lansbury 8. Most T.V. commercials have begun addressing him by name 7. You can adjust his volume using the remote control 6. He's seen Tom Arnold's show 5. Room covered with giant posters of shirtless Bob Barker 4. The poor little bastard's got Koppel hair 3. Steals batteries from your pacemaker to put in remote control 2. He's six and his ass covers entire couch 1. Always answers in the form of a question -----> Monday, May 23, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, more than 20 years in the same location, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Rick Moranis, Jimmy Buffett, and geography whiz Stefan Seville. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who's loved and adored by kiddies everywhere, David Letterman. ============================================================ Top Ten Good Things About The Biologically Engineered Tomato ============================================================ 10. It's the size of North Dakota 9. Doubles as a regulation Major League baseball 8. Can toss itself in a salad 7. Imagine your favorite pizza. Okay, now imagine your favorite pizza mowing your lawn! 6. The taste? Biological-icious! 5. Ripens in minutes using an ordinary blow dryer 4. First step toward biologically engineered B.L.T. 3. Actually shouts: "Hey! I'm getting overripe, you idiot!" 2. Dan Quayle's bestselling book? Ghost-written by a tomato 1. Has a nice, firm handshake -----> Tuesday, May 24, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, owner/operators Nick and Nancy Curtis on the premises at all times, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Woody Harrelson, comedian Louie Anderson, and basketball great Isiah Thomas. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who loves you more than life itself, David Letterman. =============================================================== Top Ten Announcements That Will Make This Audience Cheer Wildly =============================================================== 10. Hillary Clinton just bough cattle futures for everyone 9. We're raising the temperature in this theater to forty degrees 8. Jack Nicholson just caned the Menendez brothers with a 9-iron 7. We're moving the show to Fox! 6. See that guy in the 3rd row wearing a Chicago Bulls t-shirt? Paul Shaffer will throw him out! (Paul then proceeds to berate the man about New York being a Knicks town and removes him from the audience.) 5. You can have all your fancy foreigners, give me the good old USA! 4. Dumb guys have just crowned Dan Quayle as their king! 3. Ladies and gentlemen, Regis Philbin in a tank top! (Regis comes running down the spiral staircase on the stage wearing a tank top and carrying a basket. He tosses the contents of the basket out to the audience before leaving the theater.) 2. Angela Lansbury is having my baby! 1. I'm drunk! -----> Wednesday, May 25, 1994 <----- [Editor's Note: Tonight's list is the first ever Top Ten Plus! It includes an additional slogan. Also, the list refers to Fox's recent purchase of 8 CBS affiliates around the country. In addition, Fox won the right to broadcast the NFC Football games this year. It was another steal from CBS.] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, all rooms face the beach, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - actor Kevin Pollack, singer Chris Isaak, and chef Jaques Peppan. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who was just purchased by Fox, David Letterman. ======================= Top Ten New CBS Slogans ======================= 10. CBS = Could Be Sold! 9. More powerful than the Weather Channel! 8. You're watching CBS... At least for another week or two 7. We're number 4! 6. Hey we still have a station in Tennessee! 5. If you'll bring your talk show here, we'll sell all our stations 4. Think of us as "CBS Lite!" 3. In case anyone cares, we've still got Andy Rooney! 2. You can't spell "bumbling executives" without C-B-S! 2. El television de crapo! 1. CBS, now on Fox! -----> Thursday, May 26, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, call for a free color brochure, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Rosie O'Donnell, singer Lorrie Morgan, and actor Bronsan Pinchot. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who has x-ray hindsight, David Letterman. ====================================================== Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Is Running For President ====================================================== 10. Jogging shorts getting shorter and shorter 9. During press conferences stands behind Bill and makes "he's nuts" hand gestures 8. Has been practicing dropping her pants in front of White House staffers 7. "Vote for Hillary" found shaved into the fur of Socks the cat 6. Lately she's been eating more french fries than Bill (obligatory graphic of "robot" Bill zapping McDonald's fries with his laser eye rays) 5. Has been encouraging Gennifer Flowers to have affairs with potential Republican opponents 4. Bill: "Good morning, Dear." Hillary: "You're goin' dowwwn, Sucker!" 3. She's lined up Tony Randall to sing at her Inaugural Ball (Dave then replayed a clip from an earlier bit, Dave's Record Collection. Tony is singing the song "Doo Wacka Doo." 2. Keeps barging into the Oval Office and hollaring, "Bubba, get your fat ass outta my chair!" 1. Refers to Bill as "the First Lady" -----> Friday, May 27, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, try our Times Square mineral water, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - The Amazing Kreskin, The Pretenders, and actor Daniel Stern. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the new Chairman of the House Ways and Mean Committee, David Letterman. =========================== Top Ten Late Show Leftovers =========================== 10. Dave feeds bologna to a rapid badger (followed by a video clip of Dave with a stuffed badger on one hand and bologna in the other) 9. Dave goes through airport security (clip of Dave riding on the carry-on bag x-ray machine) 8. Paul hails a cab (clip of Paul getting smashed by a cab) 7. Dave dances with Barbara Walters (I bet you can guess the clip!) 6. Dave and Paul as Erik and Lyle Menendez (shot of Dave and Paul in wigs and the trademark Menendez sweaters) 5. Dave and chef Jacques Pepin saute artichokes (clip of a minor explosion that occurs when Dave adds too much liquor to the flambe) 4. Wrecking ball mishap (clip of Calvert DeForest getting hit with large foam rubber wrecking ball) 3. Dave dances with a New York cab driver (Dave sure likes dancin'!) 2. Dave's mom turns a garden hose on the camera (clip of Dave's mom spraying the camera as she washes her car in Indiana) 1. Surfin' kitty (clip of Dave teaching a stuff cat to surf in his hotel room - left over from the trip to LA) -----> Monday, May 30, 1994 <----- [Original Air Date: March 3, 1994] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, allow six weeks for delivery, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Geena Davis and Aerosmith. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who still can't spell Lillehamer, David Letterman. =================================================== Top Ten Nancy Kerrigan Complaints About Disneyworld =================================================== 10. Saw enough damn foreigners at the Olympics 9. Mickey beat her out for "Employee of the Month" by one tenth of a point 8. Had to share bathroom with the Country Bears 7. Incompetent security allowed Jack Nicholson to attack her float with a 9-iron 6. Pressure to star with Tonya Harding in a remake of "Lady and the Tramp" 5. It's the most corniest place she's ever been to 4. She has to stand there and smile while kids whack her in the knees with plastic toy pipes 3. Scary Space Mountain ride makes her giant teeth chatter 2. "Goofy" sounds too much like "Gillooly" 1. Donald Duck all hands -----> Tuesday, May 31, 1994 <----- [Originally Air Date: March 4, 1994] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, that's no squeegee guy, it's Jack Nicholson, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Sir Anthony Hopkins, musical group ZZ-Top, and Denis Leary. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who reeks of flavored chapstick, David Letterman. =================================== Top Ten Signs You Neighbor Is A Spy =================================== 10. Begins every conversation by saying, "Hey, you know any secrets?" 9. Bumper sticker on car reads: "I'd rather be spyin'" 8. After one too many drinks, asks "Want to see your FBI file?" 7. Every Halloween gives your kids plutonium 6. He's been driving around the last 6 months with the body of Lenin in the trunk of his Buick 5. You tell him you work for the government and the next thing you know you wake up nude in Switzerland 4. You catch him going through your garbage in a raccoon suit 3. You mention you're having problems in the bedroom, and he says, "Yeah, I know" 2. You spot Yeltsin doing cannonballs in his pool 1. He tries to plant a bug in your pants -----> Wednesday, June 1, 1994 <----- [Original Air Date: February 28, 1994] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, try our Times Square bisque, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Garry Shandling, Sting, and Indy car champion, Nigel Mansell. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who'll represent you in your IRS audit, David Letterman. ===================================================== Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be A Russian Spy ===================================================== 10. Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips 9. Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was `I married a Russian spy' 8. Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop 7. At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that loses game for CIA 6. Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk 5. Takes a lot of "souvenir photos" of classified documents 4. When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Commrade Boss is good, no?" 3. Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin 2. Wears one of them big-ass fuzzy hats 1. Everywhere you look: borscht -----> Thursday, June 2, 1994 <----- [Original Air Date: January 17, 1994] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, gateway to Yonkers, it's the Late show with David Letterman. Tonight - Richard Harris, singers Taj Mahal and Etta James, and from Saturday Night Live, David Spade. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the half-brother of Socks, the White House cat, David Letterman. ================================================================ Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Kid To Shovel Your Driveway ================================================================ 10. Doesn't seem to know which end of the shovel to use 9. He's over 80 and has a Medic Alert bracelet 8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves 7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum cleaner and an extension cord 6. Midway through the job he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing cabs (Dave did a bit earlier in the show where a guy in a bear suit successfully hailed a cab) 5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees 4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys `R' Us 3. He's too busy disturbing Dad's inauguration speech to finish (Dave then showed a clip of the Governor of New York's son waving and smiling while the Governor gave his inauguration speech) 2. You get a half-hearted recommendation from his wife, Marilyn Quayle 1. Doesn't finish till mid-July -----> Friday, June 3, 1994 <----- [Original Air Date: January 20, 1994] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, hellish and built to stay that way, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Demi Moore, Willie Nelson, and from Saturday Night Live, Al Franken. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, as seen on TV, David Letterman. ==================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Induction ==================================================================== 10. "Bono, Yoko, Yoko, Bono" 9. "I'm sorry, but no one under 18 will be permitted unless they're Bill Wyman's date" 8. "Jerry Garcia couldn't make it tonight -- here to accept in his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street" 7. "Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono singing?" 6. "Here, take Cesar Romero's seat" 5. "How did Tonya Harding get voted in?" 4. "What a coincidence Mr. McCartney I played you in the Chicago cast of `Beatlemania', and now I'm your waiter!" 3. "Oh no, they're letting Letterman perform!" (followed by the now famous clip of the guy who looks like Letterman playing the fiddle) 2. "Earthquake! Oh wait, Meat Loaf just fell of his chair" 1. "Run for you life it's Elton John's hair!" -----> Monday, June 6, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, no vacancy, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Indiana Pacer Reggie Miller, Tony Randall, and musical group Tony Toni Tone. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the sexy blonde who played Crissy on "Three's Company", David Letterman. ============================================= Top Ten Ways People Mispronounce Rostenkowski ============================================= [Editor's Note: Democratic Senator Dan Rostenkowski from Illinois has now been indicted on 17 charges for his conduct in Congress.] 10. Rostenglicky 9. Kowstonroski 8. Kowazaki 7. Rocstonekowski 6. Rostbrucehornsby 5. Rusty Jet Ski 4. Don Rostenkowski 3. Mujibur and Sirajulkowski 2. Boutros Boutros-Kowski 1. Rostenguilty -----> Tuesday, June 7, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, inspected by number 3, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Craig T. Nelson, musician David Sanborn, and the winner of the Indianapolis 500, Al Unser, Jr. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the inventor of the stackable potato chip, David Letterman. ================================ Top Ten Bob Barker Pick Up Lines ================================ [Editor's Note: Dian Parkinson, former "Price Is Right" model is now suing Bob Barker, the gameshow's host, for sexual harassment.] 10. "Come back to my place so I can give you a lovely parting gift" 9. "Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love!" 8. "The next item up for bid is in my pants!" 7. "How'd you like a year's supply of Turtle Wax?" 6. "I've made thousands of women scream and jump up and down" 5. "Please have dinner with me. I'm a very lonely man" 4. "Maybe it'll be easier for you to guess the price of that waterbed if we test it out first" 3. "Don't worry - I've been neutered" 2. "Have another sip of that 99-cent malt liquor, take off those $30 shoes, and let's get it on!" 1. "Come on down!" [Editor's Note: Special Thanks to Dan Pritts of the University of Michigan for his correction to last nights editorial note. Dan Rostenkowski is a representative from Illinois, not a senator.] -----> Wednesday, June 8, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, best if used before June 30th, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Actress Mariel Hemingway, George Miller, and singer Mandy Patinkin. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, psychic to the stars, David Letterman. ================================= Top Ten Least Popular Summer Jobs ================================= 10. Dan Rostenkowski's public relations guy 9. Mopping up at the gym after "Sweatin' to the Oldies" class 8. Ed Asner's lotion boy 7. Consumer testing Dr. Kevorkian's suicide slurpee 6. Hockey Player for the Vancouver Canucks after they lose to the Stanley Cup-winning N.Y. Rangers 5. Sunoco gasoline taster 4. Assistant to clumsy janitor who works in research lab studying that flesh-eating virus 3. Babysitting the Menendez brothers 2. ZZ-Top beard de-tangler 1. The guy who checks Ebert for ticks -----> Thursday, June 9, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, sorry no refunds, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Macauly Culkin, singer Randy Newman, and 78 year old college graduate Mona Freye. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who holds the record for being heimliched, David Letterman. ===================================================================== Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Guy To Put In Your Swimming Pool ===================================================================== 10. Shallow end: 3 feet Deep end: 600 feet 9. Wears inflatable pool toy around his waist at all times 8. Ever since the concrete was poured you haven't seen your cat 7. Asks "Do you mind if I work naked?" 6. Claims he used to be a congressman and demands to be paid in stamps 5. You ask for a kidney-shaped pool and wake up without a kidney 4. Fills the pool by drinking a case of beer and letting "Nature do her thing" 3. Instead of working, spends day boasting about how he used to be married to Roseanne 2. Only two choices for the shape of the pool: Siskel or Ebert 1. Keeps drinking the chlorine -----> Friday, June 10, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, a reminder for tourists - we're closed on Sundays, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - David Brenner, singer Johnny Cash, and actor Keanu Reeves. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man with the only known case of Lemon-lime disease, David Letterman. ==================================================== Top Ten Ways Clinton Can Improve His Approval Rating ==================================================== 10. Change name to "Clintstone" 9. At press conferences respond to every question by pumping his fist and screaming, "USA! USA!" 8. Give the dude an awesome moto-cross bike then have him do the ultimate wheely on White House lawn 7. Two words: President Doubtfire 6. Just quit doin' that weird illegal stuff that nobody understands 5. Step one: Learn how to make balloon animals. Step two: Lower voting age to three. 4. Execute Donahue live on TV [Editor's Note: Donahue recently attempted to get permission to televise an execution.] 3. Just once, in public, turn to Hillary and yell, "Pipe down, woman!" 2. Drop everything and go coast-to-coast with a couple of guys from Bangladesh [Dave just sent his neighbors, Mujibur and Sirajul, from a few doors down on a coast-to-coast tour. It begins in Niagara Falls and ends at the Golden Gate Bridge.] 1. Cane Rostenkowski -----> Monday, June 13, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, now available in original unscented, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - actor Jeremy Irons, comedian Chris Rock, and from the Houston Rockets basketball star Hakeem Olajuwon. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, an inspiration to people with bad haircuts all over the world, David Letterman. ===================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The State Dinner Honoring Emperor Akihito ===================================================================== [The Clinton's had their first State Dinner tonight. It was in honor of Japenese Emperor Akihito.] 10. "Greetings, Bubba-san" 9. "So you see, instead of being called `Akihito', you'd be called `Akihitostone'" 8. "Cool! Reagan's daughter centerfold placemats!" [President Reagan's daughter, Patty Davis, appears in this month's Playboy.] 7. "Miss Reno watch out for the. . . (Thwack). . .ceiling fan" 6. "I'm sorry - - - I can't find a `Paula Jones' on the guest list, ma'am" 5. "President Clinton, have you ever done any sumo wrestling?" 4. "When can we meet Urkel?" 3. "Emperor Akihito, Mujibur and Sirajul" [Don't forget Mujibur and Sirajul are currently on their coast-to-coast tour!] 2. "Don't you think you've had enough sake, Senator Kennedy?" 1. "Run for your life! It's Bush - - - and he looks queasy!" -----> Tuesday, June 14, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Ted Danson, David Byrne, and Carl Reiner. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, David Letterman. ===================================================== Top Ten Signs There Are Too Many People On The Planet ===================================================== 10. Rhode Island phonebook weighs more than a full-grown elephant 9. It's impossible to sneeze without hitting a guy named "Joe" 8. There are so many extra people that Donahue can start killin' 'em on T.V. [Donahue is currently seeking permission to televise an execution on his talk show.] 7. Constant deafening whoosh of over 5 billion people breathing 6. I can't even call up and get tickets to a lousy hockey game for Ray and Steve [Dave attempted to get two tickets for audience members, Ray and Steve, from the Rangers ticket office and failed; however, Marv Albert showed up with tickets for them. Tonight was game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals between Vancouver and New York.] 5. Ever square foot of Nebraska packed with crying babies 4. On dollar bill, a couple guys peering over Washington's shoulder 3. Surgeon General planning to take warnings off cigarette packages 2. As of last week, two women breaking into my house 1. Now 2-year wait to date Madonna -----> Wednesday, June 15, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, free bus fumes, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Katie Couric, musician John Hiatt, and Stanley Cup Champion New York Rangers Mark Messier, Brian Leetch, and Mike Richter. Also Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the favorite in this weeks 1994 U.S. Open, David Letterman. ================================================= Top Ten Advantages Of Being Executed On "Donahue" ================================================= 10. Might get to check out one last big-busted stripper before you die 9. Tough questions from audience good warm-up for Judgement Day 8. The show's make-up and hair people send you off looking damn good 7. If the electric chair doesn't kill you, Phil's cologne will! 6. Unlike with Oprah, you don't have to worry about Phil stealin' your last meal 5. If some guy in the audience starts yelling at you, you can go ahead and and kill him -- I mean what have you got to lose? 4. The kids who picked on you in high school will be really jealous when they see you on T.V. 3. His big, fluffy, white hair will remind you of the clouds in heaven 2. Get to make some last minute endorsement cash by announcing that after you die you're going to Disneyworld 1. Don't have to watch the second half of the show -----> Thursday, June 16, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, relax on our white, sandy beaches, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Jon Lovitz, musical group Spin Doctors, and actress Sandra Bullock. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the man who wrote the ice cream truck music, David Letterman. =============================== Top Ten Signs Ben Has Gone Nuts =============================== [Editor's Note: Ben of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream] 10. Has started calling himself "Jerry" 9. Latest batch of "Cherry Garcia" contains beard fragments and guitar picks 8. On way out of work each day, yells, "So long ice cream, Daddy'll be back tomorrow 7. Recently accused North Korea of stockpiling chocolate chips 6. Has been stalking Mister Softee 5. In private ceremony, married both Baskins and Robbins 4. Just got "Lick Me" tattoo 3. Walks around nude except for a well-placed waffle cone 2. Asked to be executed on "Donahue" 1. The expiration date on his ass -----> Friday, June 17, 1994 <----- Editor's note: The Late Show with David Letterman was preempted tonight, Friday, June 17, 1994, for CBS News live coverage of the events and proceedings surrounding the pursuit, negotiations, surrender and arrest of Orenthal James (O. J). Simpson for the murder of his former wife and a male friend of hers last Sunday. -----> Friday, June 17, 1994 <----- [rerun] ===================================================== Top Ten Ways Clinton Can Pay for the Health Care Plan ===================================================== 10. Rent out Gore for pony rides 9. Get Chelsea a paper route 8. Announce that the paper money in everybody's monopoly box is now real money! 7. Put the squeeze on Oprah 6. Have Senator Ted Kennedy return all empties for deposit money 5. Put it on Hillary's Mastercard, let her figure it out 4. Collect $10 from every long lost half-brother 3. You put $100 on black. If you win, now you got $200. You leave it. You win again, you got $400, you leave it... 2. Punch out Perot and take his wallet 1. Use his French Fry money -----> Monday, June 20, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, yes - we have hot oatmeal, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Teri Garr, musical group Yes, and a 2-year old who identifies cars, Daniel Haber. Also Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, America's foremost collector of office supplies, David Letterman. =============================== Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Hot =============================== 10. Kids using asphalt instead of Play-Doh 9. Empire State Building all droopy and bent 8. Before telling me the temperature, my thermometer said, "Dave, my friend, maybe you'd better sit down..." 7. Hotdogs sold by N.Y.C. sidewalk vendors almost warm 6. Heat stroke makes you so delirious you find World Cup Soccer exciting 5. Normally patient and polite New Yorkers actually getting a little testy 4. Temperature in Ed Sullivan theater up to a stifling 44 degrees 3. Siskel sweating as much as Ebert 2. Every chance we get, Paul and I go surfing [followed by video from the shows trip to LA of Dave and Paul surfing] 1. Larry King wearing nothing but suspenders -----> Tuesday, June 21, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York - Emergency? Dial 9-1-Something-or-other - it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Jack Pallance, Seal, and actress Fran Drescher. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, one of those people - people who love people, David Letterman. ============================================= Top Ten Rejected Titles For The Movie "Speed" ============================================= 10. The Speedstones 9. Jurassic Park 2: The Exploding Busosaurus 8. Honey, I Drove the Kids Really Fast on a Bus 7. Faster, Bob Barker is Chasing Us! 6. Creepy Guy in the Window [Through the magic of special effects a duplicate of Dave has appeared in the window behind the desk several times in tonight's show.] 5. Debbie Does Greyhound (Times Square Only) 4. El Autobus Muy, Muy Rapido 3. Dave Letterman's Drive to Work 2. That Whacky Big-Ass Bus 1. Mrs. Busfire -----> Wednesday, June 22, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York - Stolen goods? We got 'em! - it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Dan Rather, singers Al Jarreau and Kathleen Battle, and actor Nick Torturo. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who loves a wild assortment of grilled meats, David Letterman. =================================== Top Ten Michael Fay's Vacation Tips =================================== 10. Take time to learn local graffiti laws 9. Before choosing country for vacation, research their attitudes toward jerky Americans 8. Pick-Up souvenir t-shirt: "My parents went to Singapore and all I got was a lousy caning" 7. Pack light -- two colors of spray paint should be plenty 6. When the guy's about to cane you, try bribing him with candy -- butt-whackers love candy 5. Know how to scream in a variety of languages 4. Even if you haven't been caned, you might want to try stuffing your shorts full of styrofoam peanuts 3. Don't forget to tip your prison guards when checking out 2. Bring along a box of ass-size Band-Aids 1. Two words: titanium pants [This show was originally scheduled to air last Friday, June 17, 1994 - ed.] -----> Thursday, June 23, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York - home of the stray bullet - it's the Late Show, with David Letterman. Tonight - actress Julia Roberts, musical group Stone Temple Pilots and stand-up comedian Jake Johannsen. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the man that put the Dave in Yaba Daba Dave, David Letterman. ======================================================= Top Ten Ways to Make the World Cup Soccer More Exciting ======================================================= 10. Let 'em use their damn hands! 9. Replace ball with round pinata filled with killer bees 8. Put one of them speedin' buses on the field 7. Give one guy on each team a powerful jet pack 6. Have Madonna inflate the ball 5. Three words: naked penalty kicks 4. Instead of 22 players, 1 ball, 1 player and 22 woodchucks 3. Make nets out of sexy black lingerie from Victoria's Secret 2. Score a goal, do a shot 1. Losing team executed on "Donahue" -----> Friday, June 24, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, where life is cheap but movie tickets are *really* expensive, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - radio and TV talk show host and Libertarian candidate in the gubernatorial race of New York Howard Stern, singer John Mellencamp, actress Kate Nelligan, currently in the movie "Wolf", and coast-to-coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the man whose brilliant goal tending has kept the Mexican team in contention, David Letterman. Tonight Mujibur and Sirajul are in Indianapolis, Indiana, home of the Indianapolis 500 Speedway and Dave's hometown. They visited the grocery store were Dave worked during high school bagging groceries. They talked to the man who hired Dave at the grocery store and tried their hand at sacking groceries. Each night Mujibur and Sirajul have had a special guest on their segment. Tonight's special guest was Dave's Mom, home from her special assignment at the Olympics last winter. [Ed.'s note - On last night's show, which was originally to be last Friday night's show, Mujibur and Sirajul were at Mt. Rushmore National Monument, just outside Rapid City, SD.] ===================================== Top Ten Summer Movies in Times Square ===================================== 10. "Jurassic Pork" 9. "Caning Miss Daisy" 8. ""Sissy's Slickers" 7. "Big Buddha" 6. "The Bob Barker Story" 5. "Yabba Debbie Do" 4. "The Loin King" 3. "Four Weddings, a Funeral and a Bottle of Baby Oil" 2. "When a Man Loves Another Man Dressed Up as a Woman" 1. "The Buttstones" -----> Monday, June 24, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, must be 18 or over to participate, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Alec Baldwin, singer Trisha Yearwood, and from the World Champion Houston Rockets Sam Casell. Also Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the former spokesman for Jiffy Pop, David Letterman. ==================================== Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts ==================================== 10. Instead of a whistle, uses a tuba 9. Can't say the word "buoy" without laughing hysterically 8. You see him stuffing his trunks with jellyfish 7. Sits with back to ocean 6. Just married a C.P.R. dummy 5. The gold crown and velvet cape 4. Sees a guy drowning and says, "Sorry Pal -- I just ate lunch so I've got to wait half an hour" 3. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner -- chlorine 2. She keeps breaking into David Hasselhoff's house 1. He's wearing nothing but a whistle -----> Tuesday, June 28, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, all major credit cards accepted, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - actress Penelope Ann Miller, singer Tori Amos, and political consultant Mary Matalin. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who can't wait for the Woodstock Reunion, David Letterman. ================================================ Top Ten Signs The President Is About To Fire You ================================================ 10. At State Dinners, You have to sit at the children's table 9. He won't let you take a helicopter to play golf 8. You office is the new location for Socks' litter box 7. V.P. Al Gore grabs you by the necktie, drags you behind the White House toolshed & beats the bejeezus out of you 6. When you ask for a raise, he say. . . [followed by video clip of Bill beating his fist on the podium and repeating "No" over and over] 5. You're an Arkansas State Trooper and you don't know any babes 4. Whenever he returns from McDonald's he brings you a job application 3. Every time you say something, he whips a corn dog at your head 2. When you give him the latest unemployment figures, he asks, "Does that include you?" 1. You've pissed off Hillary -----> Thursday, June 29, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Helen Hunt, musical group Green Day, and chef Daniel Belew. Also Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who likes his corn chips hot and crispy, David Letterman. ========================================= Top Ten Least Popular Tourist Attractions ========================================= 10. Six Flags over Newark 9. Al Sharpton's Hall of Medallions 8. The Magnificent Algae Forest of Willie Nelson's Bathtub 7. Shea Stadium 6. Senator Packwood's House of Hands 5. The Regis de Milo 4. Singapore 3. The Grand Ole Oprah 2. Bob Barker's Pants Flume 1. EuroDisney -----> Thursday, June 30, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, feel free to tip your paramedic if they do a good job, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Siskel and Ebert, musical group Indigo Girls, and actress Andrea Martin. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who always gets in trouble for not rewinding, David Letterman. ========================================================= Top Ten Ways CBS Will Be Different After Merging With QVC ========================================================= 10. You know that stopwatch on "60 Minutes"? It's yours for $49.95! 9. Many things will change, but Connie Chung will still be married to that dweeb Monty 8. I'll get paid in cubic zirconia 7. Once per episode of "Murder, She Wrote", Jessica will look right at the camera and yell, "We got blenders for sale!" 6. Fox Executives will be able to call in and buy whatever sports CBS has left 5. The CBS Eye logo and the QVC Chipmunk logo will be combined into a spooky Eye-Chipmunk creature 4. No matter what, we'll still be workin' for TV-weasels! 3. Little number in the corner of the screen will go up when Bob Barker scores 2. During "Evening News", Dan Rather sells the pants right off his ass 1. Goodbye, "Tiffany Network" -- Hello, "K-Mart Network" -----> Friday, July 1, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, check, please - it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Connie Chung, Phil Collins, and Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who can tell you what time it is in France, David Letterman. ================================================================= Top Ten Things George Washington Would Say If He Were Alive Today ================================================================= 10. "Hey, that Donahue guy stole my wig!" 9. "You need some i.d.? How 'bout this dollar?" 8. "I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin is on the hundred?" 7. "Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett?" 6. "No, I'm not Barbara Bush" 5. "I'm the first President of the U.S., what do you mean I can't get Streisand tickets?" 4. "Did you see "Sienfeld" last night? That Kramer is a riot!" 3. "Ben Franklin? Gay" 2. "Would you please get you hands off Martha, Mr. Barker?" 1. "My God -- Sam Donaldson is annoying!" ======== Opening: ======== From New York, check out the fireworks, dude - it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Richard Simmons and Neil Diamond. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the human equivalent of a M-80, David Letterman. ===================================================== Top Ten Reasons The U.S. Is The Best Country On Earth ===================================================== 10. No dress code 9. We've invented this cool holiday where all we do is blow up stuff 8. Even a really, really dumb guy can host a talk show 7. Guess what nation drank the most root beer last year? France? Think again, Buddy! 6. Barney can beat the crap out of Mr. Blobby 5. You can go to any Gap and try on as many pants as you want 4. In other countries you have to choose between breakfast & lunch. In America, with got a little something called "brunch." 3. Even a swollen-faced hillbilly can become President 2. We're on the cutting edge of Thighmaster technology 1. Life, Liberty, and Oprah -----> Tuesday, July 5, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, free cheese graters to each customer, it the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Patrick Stewart, singer Melissa Etheridge, and 10-year old girl scout, Ryanne Cobb. Also Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, banned Argentinian soccer star, David Letterman. ============================== Top Ten US Soccer Team Excuses ============================== 10. Got a hold of some bad World Cup chowder 9. Kept getting heckled by Spike Lee 8. Brazilians released horrible stinging bugs from rain forest 7. Really sleepy from stuff in "Good Luck" gift basket sent by Dwight Gooden 6. Remembered we're Americans and that it's ok to suck at soccer if you're American 5. Afraid if we beat Brazil, Brazilians would get depressed, not work as hard, and coffee prices would go up. 4. Us: Players named Jim. Them: Players named Pablo. You figure it out, Sherlock. 3. Who can think about a dumb game when Sirajul & Mujibur are going coast-to-coast? 2. Goalie distracted when he saw his wife sitting with Bob Barker 1. Everywhere we looked -- Brazilians! -----> Wednesday, July 6, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, bring the kids for snacks and story-time, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Tony Danza, Comedian Todd Berry, and US World Cup soccer player, Alexi Lalis. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, one of the orbiting pieces of space junk, David Letterman. ========================== Top Ten Rejected QVC Items ========================== 10. Cuckoo clock that every hour says "Buy more junk" 9. The Andy Rooney Eyebrow Rake 8. Donahue Wig & Glasses Combo 7. Audio cassette of Dan Rather making prank phonecalls to neighbors 6. Dwight Gooden's Mystery Package 5. Dave Letterman's collection of wrestling magazines 4. Half-finished sodas from around the QVC office 3. New York City cab driver scented air freshener 2. The Bob Barker Home Neutering Kit 1. Cubic Craponia -----> Thursday, July 7, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, a close-knit farming community, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Tom Hanks, musical group Toad the Wet Sprocket, and pet food taster Edwin Rose. Also Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the living embodiment of quality, value, and convenience. ================================================ Top Ten Pet Peeves Of The World's Wealthiest Man ================================================ 10. Can never get change or a billion 9. Way your kids snicker whenever you say, "Money doesn't grow on trees" 8. Demi Moore won't really sleep with you for a million dollars 7. Shoplifting not as exciting as it used to be 6. While making a deposit at the bank, Spike Lee heckles you 5. On birthday, getting yet another "World's Wealthiest Man" coffee mug 4. There isn't some ultra-expensive top grade of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for the super-rich 3. Always finding Robin Leach passed out in your hot tub 2. Constantly begin asked out by Tom Arnold 1. Can't afford Streisand tickets -----> Friday, July 8, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, the best damn city in the world, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - stupid human tricks, Wimbledon champion Pete Sampras, singer Harry Connick, Jr., chef Michael Lamonico, and coast-to-coast with Mujibur and Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, America's number 1 soccer houligan, David Letterman. ========================================================================= Top Ten Ways the U.S. Would Be Different if the Next President Were a Dog ========================================================================= 10. Doggy door on Oval Office 9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President", reporters would shout, "Here, fella!" 8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal: Hello Toilet Bowl Water scandal 7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant 6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy 5. Public enemy #1: that neutering bastard Bob Barker 4. Secret Service & CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon [in rereference to a TV ad for Chuck Wagon dog food in which a dog chases a miniature chuck wagon around the house. Now fairly well known in the U.S. - ed.] 3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife 2. Here's your new national anthem: [Audio clip of a fairly well known (at least in the U.S.) novelty Christmas carol of dogs barking out the tune "Jingle Bells" - ed.] 1. One word: Snausage-gate Tonight's stupid human tricks include: - A guy who was supposed to throw up a handful of M&M's candy and catch the one in the color which Dave yelled out as he threw them up. (He failed to do so in 3 attempts) - A lady who put on her underwear while fully clothed - A guy that drank milk through his nose and squirted it out his eye [you had to be there, it was something you had to see to believe - ed.] Tonight is the final visit with Mujibur & Sirajul on their coast-to-coast trip. They finished their nation-wide journey in San Francisco, CA. Their special guest was Frank Jordon, Mayor of San Francisco. -----> Monday, July 11, 1994 <------ [Original Air Date: March 23, 1994] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, no purchase necessary, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Kevin Kline and Placido Domingo. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, Scoutmaster of the Year - three years running, David Letterman. [Editor's Note: Watch for Regis Philbin all week on the Late Show. Each episode will feature an appearance by him.] ================================== Top Ten Slogans For The Wonder Bra ================================== 10. Breakfast for Your Chest 9. The Quicker Picker-upper 8. The Bra Schwarzkopf Wore in Desert Storm! 7. Up, Up, and Away 6. As Seen on "The Golden Girls!" 5. You'll Never Need an Airbag Again! 4. Say Goodbye to Masking Tape and Staples 3. Does More Lifting and Separating Before 8 A.M. Than Most Bras Do All Day 2. Looks Great, More Filling 1. Leave it to Cleavage! -----> Tuesday, July 12, 1994 <----- [Original Air Date: October 27, 1993] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, Pizzaz - it's like pizza with an extra z, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Marv Albert, supermodel Cindy Crawford, singer Natalie Cole, and a film by Chris Elliot. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who is your own personal nightlight, David Letterman. ========================================= Top Ten Revelations In The Packwood Diary ========================================= 10. Spends thousands of dollars a month on them teen chat lines 9. Bill Bradley usually beats the 24-second clock (If you know what I mean) 8. Only ten percent of taxpayer's money went to Heidi Fleiss 7. Jesse Helms has never seen himself naked 6. One thing all of the Senators have in common...Madonna 5. Favorite pickup line: "If you've got the ways, I've got the means" 4. When he's too tired to go out, Packwood sometimes sexually harasses himself 3. Bob Dole? A woman 2. Daniel Patrick Moynihan's hat is often used as a birth control device 1. Senate pages say "Yea" more than "Nea" -----> Wednesday, July 13, 1994 <----- [Original Air Date: December 3, 1993] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, you've tried the rest - now hand over your wallet, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Charles Grodin, singer Bryan Adams, and from the Columbus Zoo Jack Hannah. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man whose inner child has the sniffles, David Letterman. =================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Tom And Roseanne =================================================== 10. Guaranteed spot on "Geraldo" 9. In family Christmas card photo, you'll always be at the top of the pyramid 8. Two words: engagement tattoo 7. You have a say in who the three of you will marry next 6. They're really rich 5. On wedding night, you get to operate the winch 4. Finally satisfy your family who's been nagging you to settle down with some nice man and woman 3. Your very own five-inch section of the bed 2. When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show 1. No leftover wedding cake -----> Thursday, July 14, 1994 <----- [Original Air Date: February 14, 1994] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, be my Valentine or I'll kill you, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Super Dave Osbourne, loon calling champion Brad Privett, and from the Olympics Dave's Mom with First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, Murphy Brown's baby all grown up, David Letterman. =========================== Top Ten Fabio Pick-Up Lines =========================== [Fabio made a special appearance for this list, reading each entry after Dave said the number] 10. Can I buy you a drink after I finish my 2,000 sit-ups? 9. Don't you think the "No Shirt, No Service" policy is ridiculous? 8. Wanna help me choose a last name? 7. You look hungry. I will microwave you a burrito 6. How would you like to ride a finely tuned Italian love machine? 5. Did you know that "Fabio" is Italian for "Fonzie"? 4. Yo, Mama, what it is? Let's you and me get it on! 3. Who do you like better -- Beavis or Butthead? 2. I find you very attractive even though your chest is much smaller than mine 1. Wow! You are almost as beautiful as me! -----> Friday, July 15, 1994 <----- [Original Air Date: Tuesday, May 24, 1994] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, owner/operators Nick and Nancy Curtis on the premisis at all times, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Woody Harrelson, comedian Louie Anderson, and basketball great Isiah Thomas. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who loves you more than life itself, David Letterman. =============================================================== Top Ten Announcements That Will Make This Audience Cheer Wildly =============================================================== 10. Hillary Clinton just bought cattle futures for everyone 9. We're raising the temperature in this theater to forty degrees 8. Jack Nicholson just caned the Menendez brothers with a 9-iron 7. We're moving the show to Fox! 6. See that guy in the 3rd row wearing a Chicago Bulls t-shirt? Paul Shaffer will throw him out! (Paul then proceeds to berate the man about New York being a Knicks town and removes him from the audience.) 5. You can have all your fancy foreigners, give me the good old USA! 4. Dumb guys have just crowned Dan Quayle as their king! 3. Ladies and gentlemen, Regis Philbin in a tank top! (Regis comes running down the spiral staircase on the stage wearing a tank top and carrying a basket. He tosses the contents of the basket out to the audience before leaving the theater.) 2. Angela Lansbury is having my baby! 1. I'm drunk! -----> Monday, July 18, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, easy on the starch, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Susan Sarandon, musical group Midnight Oil, and Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, Michael Jackson's best man, David Letterman. ================================================== Top Ten Rejected Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Lines ================================================== 10. "One small step for man. 10 million frequent flyer miles for me" 9. "When I spit, it floats upward" 8. "This is the most corniest thing I've ever done" 7. "A special Thank You to a youngster named Dave Letterman who knit us the special space socks" 6. "Hey! I can see Rush Limbaugh from here!" 5. "Are you watching Dorothy Shinbach? Would you go to the prom with me now, Dorothy Shinbach?" 4. "I'm taking one giant leak for mankind" 3. "Goooaalllll!" [followed by clip of World Cup Announcer screaming the same phrase] 2. "I'm Mr. Galakawitz. You mean Dr. Galakawitz? Yes I am" [think Bud Light commercials] 1. "Aieee! Moon Weasels!" -----> Tuesday, July 19, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, we're getting pounded with comet right this minute, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Ricky Lake, Julio Iglesis, and Gary Sinese. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who hasn't selected a gift for Michael and Lisa Marie, David Letterman. ========================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Wedding ========================================================================== [It is rumored that this unbelievable marriage recently occurred in the Dominican Republic.] 10. "Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right" 9. "She could've used a little more of his eyeliner" 8. "I bet they didn't have to get married" 7. "I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya" 6. "I'm sorry, I can't find a `Brooke Shields' on the guest list, ma'am" 5. "There's that strange whirring sound again -- as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave" 4. "I got you some `his' and `hers' towels. Split 'em up however you like" 3. "I'm Mr. Tito Galazkiewicz. You mean Dr. Tito Galazkiewicz? Yes I am" 2. "Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake -- Oh, it's just Liz Taylor" 1. "I just heard on the Weather Channel -- Hell froze over" -----> Wednesday, July 20, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, home of the World Cup Champion Brazilian soccer team, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Arnold Schwarzenegger and Wonder Dog, Air Buddy. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the 14th man to walk on the moon, David Letterman. ================================ Top Ten Rejected CBS 12:30 Shows ================================ 10. The Courtship of Elvis' Daughter 9. Larry King Pantless 8. Rescue 411 -- Directory Assistance Operators in Trouble 7. Paul Shaffer as "Circus Boy" 6. Dave Letterman's World of Animal Noises [followed by Dave making a loud "Baaaa" for a sheep sound] 5. Dan Rather reads the news in a Jamaican accent 4. Bob Barker's Love Connection 3. Big and Tall Models, Inc. 2. Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Nail Madonna? [Earlier in the show, Dave played `Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Say Hello on a N.Y.C. Pay Phone?' The bear said "Hello" on a stranger's phone call. It took him 4 attempts, though.] 1. Pajama Party with Lyle and Erik -----> Thursday, July 21, 1994 <------ ======== Opening: ======== From New York, future home of NeuroDisney, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Rob Reiner, musical group Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, and Philadelphia Phillies 1st baseman John Kruk. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who is on a collision course with the planet Jupiter, David Letterman. ========================================================================= Top Ten Ways To Tell That The NYC Cop Arresting You Is A Playboy Playmate ========================================================================= [Editor's Note: In the August 1994 issue of Playboy, a New York City policewoman has a layout.] 10. Grills you for two hours about your "turn ons" and "turn offs" 9. Tells you, "You have the right to remain naked" 8. Her badge number is 38DD 7. She restrains you with her cleavage 6. For the first time in your life, you enjoy being handcuffed 5. When she signs her name on your summons, dots "I's" with a happy face 4. Says, "Book 'im, Hef" 3. You find yourself praying to be strip searched 2. Her partner says, "Spread 'em" and she does 1. First words: "This is a bust!" -----> Friday, July 22, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, try our Central Park crayfish, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight tennis great Martina Navritalova, musical group Arrested Development, and actress Thea Vidal. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, President Clinton's new Chief of Staff, David Letterman. ==================================== Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Cruise ==================================== 10. "Lavish buffet" turns out to be 3 bags of Doritos and a quart of Pepsi 9. Welcome aboard drink made with tetracycline and erythromycin 8. When you ask the cruise director where the lifeboat is, he points to a fat guy 7. It's 10 AM and Captain Hazelwood has a thermos full of martinis 6. Not only is Kathy Lee there, but also that elephant that tramples people [On a recent "Regis and Kathy Lee" a elephant appearing on the show went on a rampage trampling the set.] 5. Ship doctor only qualified to give tattoos 4. You have to share a room with Captain Stubing 3. "Gopher" is an actual gopher 2. You wake up with barnacles all over your ass 1. Name of the boat : The S.S. Amtrak -----> Monday, July 25, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, one hundred percent financing available, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Jim Carrey, singer Lisa Loeb, and Tia Carerra. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the voice of Disney's lovable Lion King, David Letterman. ======================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At President Clinton's 30th High School Reunion ======================================================================== [Editor's Note: This weekend President Clinton attended his 30th Reunion.] 10. "More Whitewater punch, Mr. President?" 9. "President Clinton rubbed up against me. How much do you think I could sue for?" 8. "Howsabout lowering taxes for your old gym class buddy?" 7. "So I suggested to the student council: Screw bake sales! Let's just tax the bastards!" 6. "Bill, do you plan to move back to Arkansas in 1996?" 5. "Screw the deficit -- time to mambo!" 4. "Well Mr. Bully isn't so tough now that I control nuclear weapons, is he?" 3. "Anybody have any idea what the hell Reagan's doing here?" 2. "Hey, Lard Ass. How's that health care crap going?" 1. "Run for your lives! He's got the saxophone!" -----> Tuesday, July 26, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, bring a lawn chair and find a nice place to just people watch, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Martin Mull, actor Anthony Lapaglia, and musical guests Gin Blossoms and Kiss. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, as refreshing as an open fire hydrant, David Letterman. ========================================== Top Ten Signs Your Local Anchorman Is Nuts ========================================== 10. His so-called "co-anchor" is a six-pack of Bud 9. Most of the stories from the local police involve him 8. At least once per broadcast, publicly proposes to Susan Powter 7. After every story, he frantically washes his hands 6. Puts on women's wig and introduces self as "Connie Rather" 5. When local sports teams lose, he bursts into tears 4. Wears big plastic cone around neck to keep him from nipping at microphone 3. Ends every newscast by screaming, "Goodnight Mommy!" 2. Starts newscast over so he can be introduced with smoke, lights and dancing girls [Dave had himself reintroduced after the monologue so he could enter with lighting effects, smoke, and 6 show girls. They lowered a dummy from the ceiling wearing a jetpack. The dummy was quickly replaced by Dave.] 1. All he's wearing is a necktie [Editor's Note: The pothole Dave premiered last night was fixed on tonight's show. They went outside to see the repairman and it was NYC Mayor, Rudolph Guiliani.] -----> Wednesday, July 27, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, please do not feed the cabbies, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Tom Brokaw, musical group Huey Lewis and the News, and comedian Jeff Altman. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, Boutros-Boutros Ghali's personal trainer, David Letterman. ================================================== Top Ten Ways To Tell It's Summer At The Whitehouse ================================================== 10. Three words: