Article 34362 of alt.fan.letterman: Path: ddsw1!news.kei.com!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uunet!newstf01.cr1.aol.com!newsbf01.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: riffgibson@aol.com (RiffGibson) Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman Subject: Merrill Markoe Interview, Pt. 1 Date: 11 Oct 1994 21:53:03 -0400 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 129 Sender: news@newsbf01.news.aol.com Message-ID: <37ffhv$7v9@newsbf01.news.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf01.news.aol.com Monday October 10, 1994 THE RETURN OF MERRILL MARKOE by Mac Hack, Raging Smolder On-Line On the Monday 10/10/94 edition of The Late Show With David Letterman, Merrill Markoe, Dave's former long-time main squeeze and co-creator of the original Late Night With David Letterman on NBC, returned as a guest on Dave's new show to promote her book, Get Hap, Hap, Happy Like Me. Included below is the actual transcription of the first meeting between Dave and Merrill in five years. At the end of the show's opening monologue when the guests are introduced, Dave states: " . . . and and and and and, to say the least, an old friend of mine, a very funny woman, and a fine author in her own right -- Merrill Markoe is on the program tonight." After introducing Late Show band leader Paul Shaffer and returning to his desk to start the show, Dave begins a dialogue with Paul about Merrill's upcoming appearance: Dave: Thank you very much, Paul. How was your weekend? Did you have a nice weekend? Paul: Oh, it was a beautiful weekend. Dave: Now, let me ask you a question. There's no reason you should be, but are you a little nervous about tonight's program? Paul: Why is that? Dave: Well, because of Merrill -- Merrill Markoe who, uh, she and I, uh -- I don't even know the words -- how do ya, what are the -- What are the words I'm looking for here? Paul: You were an item at one time. Dave: Yeah, yeah, we were, yeah, we were, she was, uh, and, and together like that -- [Author's Note: Doesn't Dave remind us, uh, uh, of, uh, uh, like, Beavis' pal Butt-Head?] Paul: The two of you were involved. Dave: And and had worked together also for a long long time. Paul: And she was the head writer -- Dave: That's right. Paul: -- on this show. Dave: Thank you very much. Dave [Aside to the audience]: Do I need an interpreter? [Big laughs from audience] Paul: I thought you might. Dave: Aaaaaah, so I haven't seen this woman in quite some time, and, uh, tonight will be the first time I've seen her in quite some time. Did I mention that? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . [Dave's cackling laughter is matched by the audience's.] Dave: And, as a result, as a result, it's, I'm a, it's, uh, you know, it's a little, and I'm, uh -- It's good to hear that you're a little that way yourself. Paul: Of course I am. Later, after one of Dave's comedy bits is met with tepid clapping, a noticeably subdued response, Dave intones to the audience: "You folks are apparently a little nervous about Merrill's visit as well." This generates a big laugh followed by Dave's cackling nervous laughter. Paul chips in with: "Well, it's tense. It's exciting." Dave follows: "The tension in here is so thick, you could cut it with, uh, something. I don't know." At the midway point of the show, Dave reminds viewers that Merrill Markoe will be out a little later:" The lovely and talented Merrill Markoe has a brand new book out which is very funny -- a very entertaining piece of work -- and we couldn't be happier to have her with us here tonight." THE MAIN EVENT Finally, it is time for the show's last guest of the evening, Merrill Markoe. Dave proceeds with her introduction, and the much- anticipated meeting is about to commence. Dave: Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest and I shared a very long relationship during which she helped create the first version of this very television show right here. Tonight she is here with a brand new book she has written. It's very entertaining, entitled How To Be Hap, Hap, Happy Like Me. It's more than a pleasure to welcome Merrill Markoe. Merrill! [Music: "Used To Be My Girl" by the O'Jays] Merrill enters with a big (nervous) grin, wearing a black dress and black nylons. She and Dave share a long tight embrace. Dave escorts Merrill, by the hand, over to Paul at the bandstand. Paul, while still playing the keyboard, leans over and kisses Merrill on the lips. They are both pleased to be re-acquainted. [The audience goes wild.] Dave: Merrill Markoe, ladies and gentlemen! I feel like we've won something. Wow, you look great! Merrill: Thank you. Dave: You look terrific. Merr: You have a show or something, now. Dave: Yeah, kind of a show. Well, not tonight so much, but other nights we have a show here. You know, I'm, uh, I'm a little jumpy. I'm a little nervous. Merr: Really? Why would that be? Dave: Well, because, I, I haven't seen you in a long long time. Merr: That's so odd because ordinarily you're so rarely jumpy. Dave: Uh, heh heh heh. [Wild laughter, hooting, and applause.] Merr: Usually there's a zen state of calm around you. Dave [To the audience]: We're like a minute into the round and she's tagged me already. [Big laughs] Dave: Um, I'm very happy you're here. Merr: Well, thank you. Dave: You know, uh, let's just mention -- we mentioned that you were responsible to help create the old shows at NBC. Merr: I've done many of the old shows at NBC: Lucy -- Dave: Oh, is that right? You know I had no idea. Merr: All the old favorites: Life Of Riley -- Dave: But in addition to creating those shows, specifically you're responsible for Stupid Pet Tricks -- Merr: That's right. Dave: And is that something you're still proud of today? Merr: Uh, heh heh heh. [Laughter] Merr: Well, I have very many stupid pets on my own today. Dave: -- and, uh, and also Stupid Human Tricks. And many of the things that we still do today, you are directly responsible for. Merr: Mm-huh! I was responsible for you doing this [mimicking one of Dave's frequently-used hand gestures]. I came up with this of mine. Dave: Is that right? Merr: Yeah. Dave: It works out pretty well for me. Merr: This one was mine. [The famous nervous necktie adjustment.] [Big laughter] Dave: Um, I know you have a picture of us. Do you want to show that now? Merr: I do. I brought a picture of us because I thought people would like a little glimpse into when we were a happy couple. Dave: Alright. Merr: This was a picture of the happy couple that I found. Dave: Let's show it right over here. Merr: It's hard to believe there'd be any problems with a couple like this. [Photo: Dave & Merrill sitting side-by-side in adjacent director's chairs outside in the sunshine with two of the most glum facial expressions anyone could ever imagine.] [Audience goes wild: laughter, clapping, screaming, hooting, and whistling.] Dave: Do you remember the occasion for that? Merr: Uh, I actually do remember the occasion, but it doesn't have an amusing anecdote attached to it. Dave: Oh, alright, then let's just keep moving. So you're traveling the country -- by the way, I'm reading the book -- Merr: Traveling the country is what I'm doing. Dave: Traveling the country promoting your book. I'm reading the book, and there's some wonderful stuff in here. Merr: Thank you. Dave: You, you must be very proud of this. Merr: I must be. Dave: Ah hah hah hah hah hah. [Dave cackles and the audience joins him.] Dave: Ooh, suddenly it's like old times! [Big laughs from Dave and the audience] Dave: Oh my goodness. Merr: Oh, by the way, I brought this for you. It came to the house. [She hands Dave an envelope.] Dave: What is that? Oh, some mail. [Big laughs] Dave: Oh, alright, fine. I'll take care of that. Uh, so when you go out on tour now, what kinds of things are people talking about? Merr: People, of course, hound me about you. They hound me about you -- Dave: Do you get tired of that? Merr: Oh, no. I never get tired of it! [Lots of laughs -- Dave and the audience] Merr: I love to talk about you, darling! [More wild laughter and shrieking from all fronts] Dave: What do you have there in the paper? Merr: Well, so I was on -- Dave: You're just as goofy as a loon! Ha ha ha ha ha [Dave's trademark cackle]. Merr: That's what you loved about me. Dave: Yes, I know. Merr: So, anyway -- [Audience explodes again] Merr: So, anyway, I was on this goofball show. I write a column for a magazine called Buzz. They called me up and they asked me would I go on some goofball cable show to promote my column. I wrote a column where I compared and contrasted the three O.J. Simpson quickie books which are all excellent, by the way. Read them all! Don't read just one. Read them all. So, anyway, I'm on this interview show and I'm talking to some guy I can't see on some weird thing called America's Talking. I've never even heard of it. I'm on for about 2-1/2, 3 minutes talking about O.J. Simpson, and then the guy says to me out of nowhere, "So, tell me about David Letterman. What's he like? Is he funny all the time?" And I said, just like this [deadpan, laced with sarcasm], "That's right. He's funny all the time, 24 hours a day. It's unbelievable. He never stops being funny." [Audience erupts] Merr: Which, of course, you know is true. Dave: Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah. I can't help it! I can't turn it off. Merr: No -- no no no. So anyway, what do they do? I'm thinking, "This guy's going to be mad at me. I'm being such a smart-ass. I really should watch it." Instead, this guy goes, "Oh boy, a scoop!" and he phones it into the Post. It's that parallel universe of Stupid People. Dave: Well now, now wait just a minute here. [Audience hilarity grows to a crescendo.] Merr: No, seriously. So he phones it into the Post. This is the article that appears in the Post the next day: "No joke -- Dave's a real-life barrel of laughs." [Merrill shows the newspaper to audience/camera] Merr: Under your picture: "Mr. Funny." Dave: YEAH!! I'm Mr. Funny! [Audience is in an uproar.] Merr: And under my picture -- under my picture: "Ex gal pal." And then, in the article, they quote me: "Off-camera she revealed Letterman is a barrel of laughs in real life. 'He's just incredibly funny, 24 hours a day. He never stops being funny. It's really incredible, day and night.'" [Audience is going wild.] Dave: It's a gift! It's a blessing! Merr: That's pretty good. That's a pretty good piece. Dave: You know, we gotta do a commercial here, and we haven't even really talked about the contents of your book. Merr: No. Dave: So hang around. Stick right there. We'll see what we can do. We'll do a commercial, and we'll come right back with Mr. Funny and Ex Gal Pal. Come on back, folks! [Insert commercial break here.] Dave: Okay, ladies and gentlemen! The book is entitled How To Be Hap, Hap, Happy Like Me. Merr: Oh, please buy it, won't you? It's a tell-all book about Dave! It's got everything you ever wanted to know about Dave IN THIS BOOK! Dave: It's actually very very amusing. Merr: All the secrets I never would reveal anywhere before! Dave: It's that real kind of funny that actually makes you laugh when you read it. Merr: Especially the stuff about you. Dave: Congratulations, you did a great job. Now, you have a little something there. Quickly tell people what that is. Merr: I do. Well, I have a dog named Louis with a greeting disorder. He greets you and then he knocks you down and makes you bleed. He also eats everything in the house. This was a gift. Someone brought him a lovely squeaking porcupine. Then the next day I had to have it removed from his intestine, costing me $1100. This is what was removed from his intestine. [She holds up a two-inch yellow rubber toy with a big smile and bright cheerful eyes.] Merr: I think if you're going to have something removed from your intestine, you hope it looks like this, don'tcha? Dave: And then the fun begins. Well, my best to Louis. Uh, good luck with the book. And please come back, and we'll talk more about the book. Merr: Alright. Dave: It's great fun to see you again. Thank you very much, Merrill. [Dave and Merrill shake hands and the audience cheers.]